An Unnecessary Weight

          Condemnation is pointless. It does nothing but produce a trail that encircles a drain into hopelessness.

Think about it. Condemnation is harsh. You notice something wrong about yourself. Perhaps you lied or cheated. You wronged a loved one. You mistreated those around you. Your addiction continues to overcome your life. Your obsessive habits control you and you are but a slave to the need for comfort and change.

In those realizations, lies shame. The sick heavy feeling that we all know.
So the next step is obvious: do something.
Isolate the problem, find a solution, act upon it and move on. A simple and easy three step cure?

           Unfortunately it doesn’t work. It might take a few days, or a few months or even a year, but eventually whatever you ran from has returned with a vengeance and you fall quickly into the sin once again. I believe this to be true in both the spheres of believers and non-believers. The cycle of sin - guilt - self condemnation - action – failure. An exhausting cycle that leaves hopeless.

          There is however, another option. I have recently been processing that not many people make the clear distinction between conviction and condemnation (myself included of course). My favorite example of this comes from Genesis 3:

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food,
and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to
be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit
and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her,
and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened,
and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves
together and made themselves loincloths.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden
in the cool of the day, and the man and his
wife hid themselves from the presence of the
Lord God among the trees of the garden.
But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”

          Adam and Eve have just committed sin – knowingly as most of us do – and quickly hide. As God enters the garden, He does so with purpose. Not to condemn, demand better actions, and leave. But He asks questions. Instead of being angry – as He should be – He has opened His arms to them. In the midst of their broken, rebellious heart, He invites them to be honest in love.

          Upon making any mistake, we get a feeling. A nudge, a quiet voice, something telling us “uh-oh.” For believers, listen. It’s not condemning. It quickly turns into that all familiar shame. But I want to make the point that conviction is nothing of the sort. It is not harsh or rude. It will not produce more guilt. Conviction, in God's grace, is again the invitation to freedom. Sin leads us to death, a separation from God. And thus, when we are convicted, it is a kind opportunity to be forgiven of a specific sin. It is not God's displeasure but is diligent love. While condemnation is a pounding reminder of failure and missing the bar; conviction is a reminder of Christ's righteousness, over stepping the bar. Perfectly living for us when we cannot do anything but stumble and fall without Him.

          We are beggars, sinners, and wanderers. But we never wander too far from home, from God. I wish many of you could read this and see. Read and understand how wrong I am in my vision of God, and in your own perception of how He responds to our sin. He is not condemning. There is no amount of guilt or shame that we are supposed to feel to come home. God’s words are not harsh and angry. He has not abandoned us. Condemnation is from the enemy and from our heart turning us away from the gospel. Conviction on the other hand, that is straight from God. And what I have experienced for the past few months, is much more freeing than my vicious cycle.

          Conviction illuminates our sin, brightly shone in the light of the Cross. But on the Cross it is demolished. Christ’s death removes all shame, guilt, and self-condemnation. God’s voice is gentle, soft and inviting. It is beautiful and full of honesty, love, devotion, and trust. Conviction brings us into His arms. It reminds us of the many promises that we already have in Christ. We come exactly as we are – broken, twisted, rebellious, and full of sin. But God sees past all of that, directly to Jesus. We are invited to look past our sin too, healed, covered in grace, we are invited to follow Him again.

I leave you with a beautiful song chorus:

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

Not I, but You

          Today I started a new book. One Way Love by Tullian Tchividjian. No idea how to pronounce that last part. I’ve never heard of the author. I just went to Books-A-Million looking for an encouraging book for my break and bought it. 

          I know it’s encouraging because it’s truthful. And the truth hurts. I write these words in a state of that painful truth. 

          I’m offended by the Gospel.

Which isn’t “uncommon”. In this Christian generation with language that is overused and lacking meaning, that phrase is common. We hear a lot that the Gospel is offensive and threatening to society. That it has the ability to hurt people. But that this powerful message is freeing and brings joy. That it brings hope to the broken and rest to the weary.

And it does. I believe that I’ve had a decent concept of what grace means for me for about a year and a half. I’ve claimed to know Jesus for a while, but I haven’ fully grasped grace. Nor do I now. So this book, the following statements I’ve circled and commented on whilst journaling:

“Grace is one-way love.”

“Jesus came to…free us from the obligation to fix, find, and free ourselves…the need to be right, rewarded, regarded, and respected…and to free us from the tireless effort to establish, justify, and validate ourselves…”

          To which I agree with. Those are encouraging words. Ones that remind me of the Truth of God. That I am saved by His works and not mine. That I am freed by Him through his love and my salvation rests in Him.
Then there were some more:

“Grace is love that has nothing to do with you, the beloved.”

“They [the Christians in the book of Acts] believed in grace a lot. They just didn’t believe in grace alone”

“The Gospel of Jesus Christ announces that because Jesus was strong for you, you’re free to be weak. Because Jesus won for you, you’re fee to lose. Because Jesus was Someone, you’re free to be no one. Because Jesus was extraordinary, you’re free to be ordinary. Because Jesus succeeded for you, you’re free to fail.”

          And did my heart scream panic. I am not ordinary. I work hard in school and my jobs. I did not lose, but won! And I have only failed in some areas of my life. So my successes outweigh those failures. The path went on as my pride continued to self-justify my greatness as Jesus demanded to take away my works and give me rest. Again, in the Christian culture we hear how freeing grace is. How the work of Christ, the Gospel allows us to be the honest broken mess that we truly are.

          I am the first one to admit that I am a mess. And thankful that God allows me to be free from my constant pursuit of perfection and accepts me as the broken sinner I am. However, in that imperfection I am still picking up the shards of glass with some gorilla glue with a blue print of my self-salvation project. I do not believe in grace alone. I believe in grace from God and fill in the blank with my own works. So yeah, I was deeply offended. And this was only chapter one. 

          As my prideful heart screamed, I read on. I wish that I could fill this post with a few more paragraphs of how the book filled my mind with encouraging words. But it didn’t. The chapter ended rather quickly. I wish I could say that I came to my senses and felt a washing of God’s love. But I didn’t. As a Christian, I am still broken. I am still the sinner. I am still the offender. So my prideful heart didn’t simply go away when I believed in Christ. This journey is a fight against my flesh. And in the passing moments, the Spirit is reminding me of who He is and what He has done. So I am thankful to be offended. To have my flesh torn and the Truth come in to save me. Because I am ordinary, I am the failure. I am the daughter who has rebelled and has her own idea of what God is going to do for me in my life. But He is who He is. And His story is different and so much more than what I could ever write. So my heart succumbs to the human nature of death in sin, but Christ saves me out of the pits and calls me righteous. Grace has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with Him. 

35 Reasons Why I Love Her

I love my mother. I love Raeann.

1. I love her because she is determined.
2. I love her because she is free spirited.
3. She is caring
4. Her heart is so big she tries to fit the whole world into it and then some.
5. I love Raeann’s quirks.
6. Her random jokes.
7. Her laugh.
8. Her smile.
9. The twinkle in her eye when she gets excited about a plan or thought she’s had.
10. I love that she gets excited for my excitement.
11. I love her for her love of animals.
12. For her love of others.
13. For her desire to do what is right.
14. For her ability to try, again and again.
15. I love that when she fails, she seeks more ways to improve.
16. Because she strives.
17. I love her because she looks forward to the future.
18. Because she sings out loud, very loud, people tell her she’s got the wrong lyrics or her pitch is off in criticism, she keeps singing.
19. I love Raeann because when someone tells her no, she says yes.
20. When something stops her, she finds a way to keep going.
21. I love her because when I push her away, she hugs tighter.
22. I love her because she is interested in my life.
23. I love her because at 23, she adopted me when I was 9.
24. I love her because she pushes me. Because she is strong willed.
25. She puts her foot down and holds true to her beliefs.
26. I love that we don’t see eye to eye.
27. I love how she is stubborn. I love that she seeks God’s will. I love her because she is a treasure.
28. That she is a daughter of the Lord.
29. I love her because she is my sister in Christ.
30. I love that she seeks absolute truths.
31. I love that she has strong opinions.
32. I love that she pushes herself.
33. That she fails.
34. That she’s not perfect.
35. I love that she is broken.

 Most of all I love that it’s not my job to fix her.

          35 Reasons and more why I love Raeann. She yells. I yell. But that is how God made her, strong willed. My mother is broken and I love that. Because it shows more room for God’s grace. I trust that He is sovereign. I trust that this too is a story of redemption. That she first sins against God and participates in treason to Him (as we all do). I love her because God loves her. I love her because she is what my pastor calls; she is a glorious ruin (as we all are). There are the glorious bits, the portions that God created and remained good. Then there are the bits broken by sin caused by the fall. And I love both portions. I love that we fight. When hot tears run down our face out of anger because it shows that neither of us have given up. That we’re fighting for something important. I love that she is sealed by Christ’s work and we both may rest in that. 

          I trust that God is active. That he is working. And I love my broken mother because she is treasured by the most supernatural, all powerful, creator of the universe; every star, atom, blood cell, black hole, child, plant, microchip, creator of everything, loving being: God. He created her. And he loves her, and gives her grace to her AND ME. So I love her. I love her to bits. And He forgives her daily, hourly, every second. So I forgive her. And I love her.

          Back story: Last Christmas things escalated rather quickly between my mother and I. The relationship has been very strained over the years and the string broke. Since then, I have moved out and have not had an actual healthy engaging conversation with her for a year now. And as it is the holiday season, I’ve seen her for an extended period of time and things got out of hand once again. 

          But since that year, God has given me wisdom. So tonight, in my journal, I wrote the above. I don’t know why. But when she left for work and my family went to sleep I went to the guest bedroom in my grandmother’s house that I’m staying in. And there are three pictures of my mother as a child. And I remembered how God sees her. How she is His child, whom He loves. So instead of thinking and feeling upset and wanting to fix the situation in my controlling personality; I sat down and listed why I love this woman. Why despite whatever she says or what I say. I love her.

Don't Be Friends With Sinners

          This isn’t easy. It sounds like it. But living out this realization is much more complex.

          A few weeks back a friend of mine pointed out the following during a conversation and it has since convicted my heart. “We sin against The Lord first.” And this article, well, it’s good. There is no ladder, there is no difference. You and I are the same. Your sin last night is equal to the sin I have right now in my heart. The Lord sees the broken and invites them to a new life in which we are all loved, known, and righteous by His work. 

          A separate conversation today at lunch held a similar topic. How being in a relationship with someone first is important. Throwing words and scripture at someone continuously and praying it sticks isn’t very effective most of the time. And my friend made another great point that this article speaks of. He said, “We are on the same playing field. God did that. He came to the Earth for goodness sake to be equal with us.” Truth. Jesus became human. He took on flesh and then all our sins that were, that are, and that will be. He took them. Every last action and thought. He took them and he was killed so that we may be blessed and invited into a relationship with God.

          So I found this, and wanted to share. I don’t want to add to it because I think it does a simple job of stating the facts. And I’ve already discussed in previous posts with the book unChristian about the complexity of relationships. How crucial they are. They can be laborious, but the reward outweighs the “sacrifice” in my opinion.

http://redemptionpictures.com/2013/08/22/friend-of-sinners/

The End to the Cycle

9.16.13

This will be sporadic bits of a conversation with my roommates. I’m writing excerpts of my favorite pieces that really give a perspective we too easily forget. The conversation originated from hopefully planning a bonfire at my house.

We went from planning a bonfire to discussing friends, to general relationships, and to be honest, boys. We’re girls though! Which led to some of our friends relationships that have recently fallen for reasons that don’t seem fair after such long term commitments. On and on we turned our words, and landed on feeling inadequate. The undeserving feeling that lies within our hearts and minds certain days. Is it just me, or does anyone else have that lacking feeling, and therefore undeserving?

(Opinions forthcoming that you may disagree with….)

The truth is that we are. We deserve death. The very worst. The crime? The sinful lives that we live. But we have the ability to deserve things not of our own work, but the Lord’s. Which is beautiful and mysterious and gracious. It’s easy to determine how bad of a person we are. Rank ourselves on a scale and distribute what we deserve and what we don’t.
No, I haven’t killed anyone…+30 points. Went out to get drunk with those friends, -10 points. No, I haven’t cheated on my significant other, so I’m definitely on the right track, +15 points. So on and so forth. The problem arises in who you are comparing yourself to? And that actions matter, but so do thoughts. God sees those thoughts, the composition of our hearts. He compared that to perfection. On that scale, we fail. No points.

The topic also arose as to who is better, or the elite? Obviously the God centered relationships and marriages that last have some reason. They must be better Christians. They must spend more time praying, reading the word, submitting, leading. The list could go on. Put simply: those people are better Christians; therefore, they received more. So the Christians, whose relationships failed, must be lacking in some way; therefore, they received less. It makes sense. For humans. But this flow chart is wrong, oh so wrong. No one is better or best. We are simply all the worst. When you compare our lives to what should be compared to; Christ, the difference is alarming.

Another point that is humorous but very real is how quickly our hearts fall. My roommate felt that I obviously had a grasp of the Gopsel. Being able to articulate my words well and provide answers that seemed solid. So I must be doing pretty swell in my relationship with God. It’s funny how quickly we compare things. Finding similarities and differences. I explained how wrong she was.

My day entails so much. Early mornings and late nights. Working more than one job while being a full time student. Battling studies. Realizing that I have maybe opened my Bible six or seven times in the four weeks since school has started. How easily I forget the Lord. That he doesn’t cross my mind some days. It’s frustrating really, but some days I’m too tired to care honestly. So no, my relationship isn’t “up to par”. But the Lord is forgiving and gracious. And he longs for my return. And in seeing my sin, I should confess and repent and rush back into His arms of comfort.

Wow. Chanté is great at revealing her sin. Seeing the problems, being authentic, honest, and transparent. Perhaps, but there’s potential pride. Having the thought that I’m better than the person sitting next to me because I have these features that somehow allow me more grace than them. To harsh, or just truth? Or more of a winding path of pride? It’s scary to think how easily our minds wrap us around to think incorrectly. To forget the work that God has done. To forget why Christ has died. Forgetting the sin that is destructive. Forgetting our need for Christ’s sacrifice to begin with. Forgetting that we are human, bounded by time, resources, need, etc. And perfection is unattainable. But God works things in our life to push us forward, so that we may have progress.
The final point we came upon is this: there’s a reason the Gospel has no end. There is no end to our sin. Each day, there is doubt in the Lord. There is lacking faith. There is envy and pride. There is discomfort. We replace Him with things of this earth for satisfaction. The vicious cycle of our deceptive hearts is tiring, but the limitless power of the Gospel can renew us daily (and is meant to). There is no end to that good news, to the love of God. And that my friends, ends the cycle.