Tempête

4.29.12

It’s storming. The rain is coming down hard and hitting the ground in a fury. I sit in my car listening to the chime of pellets hitting the hood. I like the sound of it. I like the chaos that surrounds me. Envelops and encircles, but not physically affecting me. It’s also frightening. The storm could turn for the worse. Abruptly become dangerous and change my life permanently. 

So I just stay in the safety of the car. Eventually it will pass. Overtime things will get better, and I won’t have to do a thing. I just need to wait it out. The thunder continues to rage. And the lightning splits the sky with a frightening crack. The storm goes on. I wonder when the rain will ever let up. I still like the sound of it all.
The state of disorder surrounding me. Making it just interesting enough to stick around. It’s like playing with fire. Get to close, you’ll burn yourself. However the appeal of that danger is what draws you in. That flame is alluring and tricky. But in the end, you always get to close.

Time passes, and I’m still waiting in my car. When is this going to let up? The storm is no longer fun, and I just want to leave. But it still is raging. I’m sure that if I wait a little longer, the lightning will die down, and the rain will let up enough so that I can make it inside. I’ve got an umbrella, but that wind would rip it to shreds.  Watching the mess unfold is no longer fun. When is the darkness going to recede just enough?

I can’t take it. So I grab my umbrella and brace the wind. It’s roaring around me, and the rain slaps my legs. The lightning that I once thought was beautifully unnerving shrieks with fury. But I walk on. With in the first few steps, I notice the sound of the storm is not a wretched as I thought while sitting in my car. It’s much more muted.
The thunder has passed also. I walk on and the flashes become distant and the lightning no longer rips through me core. The heaviness that I once held in my heart has receded and I’m walking calmly through this storm. 

--True facts. I returned home slightly before 1:30am, sat in my car for 20 minutes doing the above. All the while thinking about the storm. How much it was raging. How I liked how menacing it was. Then once I stepped out to return home, it seemed to cease. This is my life currently.

My life is full of pain and misunderstanding. A skewed perception of what is current and what needs to happen. However, the state is fun and dangerous. Giving me a rush that’s addicting. But in the end, it just may be my demise.
Seeing this; the deceptive game loses its luster. The appeal is gone, and I see the unpleasant factors. But I just want to wait things out. Sit back and let nature take its course until things magically turn around. Yeah..

That’s just not how it will turn out, ever. I can’t just sit in the mess that I’ve made. Accept the wrong choices as they are. I have to carry on. Adapt to new things, and deal with consequences. I have to walk through this rain. Just like I did when I left my car, it will lighten up. As I advance, the light will shine. Life is jagged, but I’m here. I’m living and it could be worse. It may get worse; however, darkness doesn’t remain forever.

Consider this:

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.”
 
- Ghandi









 


What do you think?
How does this make you feel?
Do you agree or disagree?

Honestly, just sit and think about it.

Seeking

4.9.12.

Screaming loud, I strain my vocal chords to get your attention.
Your footsteps leave trails through the snow leading me to where you’ve hidden.
This game is exhausting and lonely.
My continuous seeking turns up empty time after time.

White knuckled, clenching the last of what is already lost.
Solitude has never felt so sick.
I can’t let this door close; my world of isolation held an exception for you.
Without you, there is no me.

The winding trail leads me deeper and deeper.
Darkness surrounds me, and oppression is heavy on my chest.
I desire relief; long for an answer that I know will never come.
I can see the door closing, but I can’t allow that to happen.

Frantically I search for what I want.
For love, a mystery that we’ll never fully grasp.
I thought you’d be my wings.
To carry me through this midnight hour.
Showing me out of the forest, and into the fields.
Where we’d reunite in an embrace filled with joy.

Straining my vocal chords, I stand defeated.
Eyes glistening wet with the realization.
Somehow, I knew all along, that I’d lose this game,
Despite how well I played. Despite that I tried, you were never fully committed.
Locking this door with certainty in your ways,
and I’ve lost the will to find the key.

Hmmm..

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. As a science major, I found it interesting. But spiritually, I found it uplifting. I pray that it impacts you in some way. Read on...


Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

P.S.

I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?

Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

Beautifully Brief

1.24.12

This could go on and on, and the entire time I wouldn’t see a single soul.
This long stretch of road where beginning and end intertwine.
A feeling I find myself content with.

Time is a blessing. One that I’m not thankful for.
It reminds you of the impending moment when this will all cease.
Hinting that it will all end and there is never enough hours in the day.
Attempting to be unaware of the sand
I try and try
try to be oblivious of it sliding down the glass.

 This indefinite measure of space extends on different distinct planes.
I walk the winding vertical path.
Noticing many others running horizontally.
How did I come to this walk?
Or when did the others change courses?

This conformity is overpowering.
I crave acceptance.
 But something pulls me back.  I resist to be influenced by such calamity.
The pressure can be relentless. All I seek is independence.

Tension on the horizon as determination sets in my mind.
I let go of my worries, allowing myself peace.
Silence fills my ears.
Dancing in the soft caress of freedom.
The links are broken and I’m never turning round.

Stumbling

1.29.12

The minutes tick on and on.
And not one goes by where you are not on my mind.

I continue to live a life filled with mistakes.
To stumble to the ground and give into the pressure.
My words are filled with disregard and I react without thought.
I sin repeatedly.

But right there, is the marvelous beauty I will never understand.
I am unworthy, and deserve the very worst.
I long for the blade to split.
The bottle to my mouth; lungs filled with sweet smoke.
Manipulating the minds around me gaining my own glory.

You give me pure desires and intentions that are not my own.
Your blood washes over me with amazing comfort.
Then I realize why the conflict is always here.
My flesh will always be looking.  

Seeking out comfort from all resources. 
Trying to fill the void..ends in heartache and sin.

But you, oh how you continue to show me that grace of yours.
To hinder my thoughts and redirect them.
Tears fall down my face as I have no words.
I’m in the realization that I am saved with amazing grace.
Made alive as I was once dead. Christ has given me a purpose,
one that may be unclear but he prepares the way.

System Unrepairable

4.11.12

I realized today that I’m a robot.

I’m given set goals, and tasks that need to be accomplished. I organize the list into different categories. Then break down those groups into subcategories until they become basic chores that can be easily accomplished. Mechanically, I slowly work through the list until completion.

Once list A has been finished, I list another set of goals. Again and again I work through the accomplishments I wish to make. Always striving for the end result that should be contentment. But robots are made of an intricate structure.
They’re not flawless and they often have glitches. These glitches are frustrating and I make a list of ways that they can be resolved. List after list.
However, some glitches are never fixed. Eventually I learn how to operate with those problems. Adjusting my routine so that I may work around them until they become a minimal factor in my routine. It’s easy really.

Crashing, on another hand is a different story. Have you ever seen a computer give out? That’s what a robot will do. It becomes so overwhelmed somehow. The easy step by step organized tasks become too much. The system tries to restore, reboot. 

Nonetheless some things cannot be fixed. I know this, yet I stay on the steady path of looking towards the next step and how to accomplish it. This helps me cope with the impending doom of implosion. I await when it will arrive. When my systems can’t restart, and destruction is past the point of repair. It’ll happen, but it’s not on my list. So it’s easy to continue on. Check, check. Next list. Check, check, check…

Save me now

10.31.11

Take me to the place that I once knew.
The faraway land where darkness was distant and tears never left thy eye. 

Lord, I am broken and fallen into this pit of despair. O where have you gone? I long for the touch of comfort but all I see is the resolution of failure.

The sting of death sounds sweet in this wickedness called life.
I’ve longed many years for the acceptance of this world but now there is nothing.
I know the promise of deliverance but in my cognizance it is so distant.  

Lord, pick me up and encircle me in your arms. I cry out to thee for my sins to be washed.
I am wrong time and time again. The burden is heavy and I’ve nowhere to go.
Save me from the darkest moments. Save me from myself, from the evil concealed within.
Give me strength and joy during sorrow. 

Your grace is enough, and flows like that of the rushing river.
The death of Your Son is the gift that I will never run from. His blood is beautiful and washes me clean. Your perfect love is undivided and absolute.

4.5.12

Go to dictionary.com and look up truth. I already did for you, so here’s what you would have found.
Truth: noun, the truth or actual state of mater, or conformity with fact or reality, or a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like. I prefer the last definition. But here’s what’s buzzing around in my complicated intellect, it’s good to tell the truth, and people like honesty. No one wants to be lied to or fed fallacies. Wrong. Develop your own opinion, but I’m going to give mine as simple as possible.

Person A, “How does this outfit make me look?”
Person B, *checks out the attire with deliberation*
If the clothes don’t actually look as good in your mind as you thought, you’d prefer that your friend would lie to you so your feelings don’t get hurt.
Your relationship just ended…it’s so much easier to bear when your bros are telling you how easily you can get another girl. From a girl’s perspective: It’s much easier to point out every bad part about your former boyfriend. However, neither of your friends are dealing with the actual problem. Perhaps the problem is:  you were cheating; you didn’t put any real effort into the relationship; your bad attitude was constant and finally wore down the relationship to bits. I’m just going out on a whim here, but the relationship could have went downhill when you moved things much too quickly; you found it easier to slip by some white lies to make things “easier” with your conscious.

Those are all surface things, but I might as well go deeper. Since, this may be one of the very few truths you may or may not hear. Your work ethic hasn’t been the best lately. You blame it on lack of sleep, too much stress, and it’s just your (higher authorities’) fault. Have you ever considered that the problem is…oh I don’t know, you? Perhaps you choose to go out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. Have a few drinks, then wake up Sunday with a headache, so clearly you’re not capable of getting any work done for another few hours until the pain ceases. 

How about the fact that you spend too much time with your significant other. Or you don’t spend enough? Perhaps you don’t really have one, but you jump from one person to the next rather quickly. Why is that? Must be because you had a bad experience with something in your past, so you’re uber clingy, extremely distant, and indecisive. Yeah… that’s the core issue.

I could go on. But I won’t. The truth hurts.
Hurts so much that we chose to reject the words when they are blatantly in our face. Once we become angry enough, we might twist the words so they’re not as painful and push of the conviction in our heart. We don’t want the truth. We want, well, exactly what we want. Words that fulfill our needs or complete whatever it may be that we’re looking for. Sometimes, often more than less, the truth does not fit into the category of comfort. I’m not bashing anyone, just telling the truth. I admit it in my own life, I avoid the truth. When a friend tells me the way I’m living is unhealthy and it’s for a,b, and c reason, and she is absolutely correct. Ouch. Those words cut through me like I was butter. Now I didn’t tell her that (more truth hidden) but it did. 

Take a minute and think about the last time someone was genuinely honest with you. Or you witness the truth come out in a friend’s situation. What were the repercussions? Good, bad, indifferent? In the end, the truth sets us free. We never see the end of a situation (well it is the future..) so we like what is here and now. We seek to be satisfied in the moment and ignore the consequences or the possible happy ending that may occur. The truth may hurt, and it might be hard to admit. Maybe you’re struggling to be honest with a friend because you’re scared about the outcome. With these situations, most people go through the strife from the truth and it ends in a better result than you could have guessed. Everyone finds it difficult to think about the future results, but try to gear your life into truth in honesty, no matter how much you naturally shield away from it, freedom is better than enslaved by lies.

Best Friend

4.8.12

Why do you choose to tell someone a story and omit the truth, yet when it’s time to have a date with your best friend, you can’t help but spill the beans? Well, you trust them. Think about the first time you met this person. The person that you love and would do just about anything for. Maybe there was a connection at first, or not. Whatever the case, you got to know them. I’ll tell you the story of my best friend relationship to help paint this picture.

I met my best friend at a youth gathering. We exchanged a few words that any basic conversation can hold. By the next week we started sharing secrets. Simple gossip, discussing what we thought of other people and how our interaction were with them. It was like that for weeks. Giggling and having inside jokes. Eventually we were extremely comfortable with one another. She opened up to me about a tragedy that had happened in her recent past. I was numb. One, I could not believe what had happened, and two, she trusted me with that information. Soon after, we often exchanged things from our past. It helped to see who we were at that moment, what made us tick. That soon led to the present. It was like we were each others personal journal. Being with her was like breathing. It was so easy to tell her my life. She cared about me, and wanted to know my life. She wanted to comfort me and find out how to make me happy. This was the same for her. If I hadn’t seen her in a while, it made me feel less of her life. Unimportant and that I couldn’t help her. I love her, and still do. I have such a well ran relationship with her because I know who she is. I know her secrets and dreams. I know how to make her smile, and when to just hold her when she cries. Our lives are intertwined.

So the point of that brief story is that I told her everything out of love and trust. To this day, I would still do anything for her, and vice versa. Today I was hit with this whole idea about a relationship in general and most importantly with God. Why do people reject Him, and choose not to have a relationship with Him? While others easily embrace the idea of having a relationship with some supernatural being. Either we don’t trust Him, or we are so hungry for that type of relationship we fall into the relationship and trust naturally.

To answer as to why we don’t lies in the fact that perhaps we don’t know who He is. We don’t spend time with Him. You don’t divulge the skeletons in your closets to a stranger. This isn’t much of a difference. Basically I am saying that He invites us to a relationship. He invites us to become His best friend. To know His past, present, and future dreams (especially for us) from reading the Bible. It’s all there. Just like my best friend, we progressively got more and more comfortable. Easier to connect with and identify my troubles and moments of happiness. God is the same way. He wants to share these moments with us. But how on earth can you trust someone when you don’t know them?