We Pulled the Trigger

12.15.12

       Father, I ask for forgiveness. I ask that the sin in my heart, and in others are washed away.
Have mercy.  

       Recent events leave us with so many questions. Ones that are not easy to answer. Some that may never be answered. We become filled with why’s and hatred.

It is nothing less than a tragedy to hear the news of the school shooting. To read the text on the television, or headlines of articles. I do not want to be comforted. I do not want to be told it is okay, and justice will see the day. I want to be reminded of the reason this is horrific. The reason that each day, we are falling away. To be reminded that we are all broken. That this man was not crazy. That he was probably hurt and angry. Seeking out love in all the wrong ways. That the sin in his heart drove him to see the world in a skewed kaleidoscope. The void that we all have, seeking, searching, satisfaction never found in things of the earth. Anger rests in my heart for there is no justice in this. That those beautiful children will not get the chance to celebrate Christmas. Or hug their parents upon arrival at home.

       But my anger is at the world. It is at myself. It is at sin. I too pulled the trigger. I too committed treason. I’m full of pride and believe I deserve things. I look at the world, demanding the things it owes me. I wish that it wasn’t true, but sin lies in my heart constantly. Which is why I am thankful for a righteous sovereign God. One that is loving when I’m not. One that looks at the world he created to be good and harmonious. But that is fallen. That is seeking such love and acceptance from him. But we got lost on the road, made a wrong turn. A God that views all sin the very same. My lack of grace for others, my decision to make poor choices, is exactly the same as the cheating husband, and the man who sheds blood. God looks at the sin and is repulsed. He cannot stand it. We do not deserve what we have. But we deserve punishment for the act of treason. So why does a God desire us? Why does he love this wretched people? A mystery that I myself get confused about. But what I can say is that His power and love is bigger than anything. That his Son, Jesus, lived a life we were meant to.

       A perfect life that was brutally killed. Smashed upon by the wrath of God meant for us. Every single one of our sins, yours, mine, our parents, our children, our friends, drove Him there. What more could you have asked for? How could you desire more than that display of love?

       I know this doesn’t answer questions, or communicated clearly all my thoughts. But I hope that it stirs a few more questions that can be answered with conversations. And questions that drive you to have a deeper understanding of the world around us. And that it allows us to feel forgiveness for the people held responsible for certain disasters. That we too are broken, that we too make mistakes(physically visible, and not) that are the same.

Thoughts

Morning study - it's pretty choppy for I was taking personal notes, but I feel inclined to share.
Ezekiel 2: 1-8
--The Lord spoke to Ezekiel. v. 2 The spirit lifts him. Ezekiel had not his own strength to be lifted to his feet to face God. He was not able to stand up and listen. The Spirit lives in us and is always guiding and helping us through this life.  In v. 3 “Son of man..” is a reminder that he is a son of man. Not the Son of Man as Jesus. But of man, of the flesh. God will use him as a prophet but he is still human and will be. God will use us, when we are ready. However, we are never fully ready; He is always working in us, changing us. But He teaches us to be obedient. To be ready to use, and God will. God will use us when we are least ready in our mind. He will use our “unpreparedness” to help us grow in our walk with him, and to use us to impact others. Learning to trust Him most.
--Ezekiel is sent to those who are stubborn. Those who do not want the word of God to show them their darkness. To show them the light, to help the broken, to aid their deceit and sin. Even if they don’t listen, they will know a prophet has been to their home. God will insure that it is known he is prophet. By the way God uses him, and reveals himself to others through Ezekiel. Ezekiel should not be afraid for God is with him. God will not leave him without thought or protection. He will stay close to him especially in times of those in the nations with the hatred of the scoffers. Do not be timid in your faith. Do not hold back words that God has given you. Be bold. Allow the gospel to speak for itself. God will use the words you speak and The Spirit will stir in others. Whether or not people listen, speak with effectiveness. Speak the truth and speak proudly. Boast in God and how good he is. Speak in the wondrous he performs. End of v. 8 Eat what I give you. Do not reject the word of God. Do not stray on the road of rebellion but listen to God. Be obedient and diligent in what you do.

An Experience

10.13.12

Something beautiful happened today.
I was working my desk job this morning when out of nowhere, God gave me the words to speak truth into my boss’s life. Not only is she my boss, but my aunt.

I don’t know how the conversation was started only that the words I spoke; I would not have been able to years back. Nor do I think that I can speak them now. What I understand it that God was using me in her life. Telling her to seek out God. And that he is pursuing her. When I finished talking, she simply said wow. In all my years of knowing you, watching you grow up, I have never heard you speak so quickly and speak so much about anything. My simple response is that I was passionate about it. And she replied with she could tell, but she doesn’t know if that will ever be her.

My aunt’s concept of God is lacking. She doesn’t fully understand, nor do I follow what her life journey has been filled with and how she views god. Through the foster care of IL I was raised by the same abusive mother as she. So I don’t know how she reacted to it. I don’t know what her response was. But I didn’t let that cloud my vision. I trusted that God would deliver her, and that he craved a relationship with my aunt even now. That she is older, but it is never too old or too young to start anew.

It was extremely empowering to watch. By watch, that’s how it felt. I was speaking about why I loved God. How he is so big and powerful. How the Gospel has transformed my entire life without me even realizing it. I spoke about how the Bible is this beautiful story. A story that gives hope to the broken, and the story of Jesus. And how he came to save us from death, to rescue us from our own destruction. I told her how amazed I am when I learn in my field of Chemistry about how molecules work, how small they all are. That I am amazed by it simply because I am manipulating them with heat and light, and other chemicals in the lab, but how I didn’t make them. Man will never make them. But God did. That he made these infinitely small molecules I learn about and try to understand. That he made every last atom we see and don’t see. The machine she uses at work to get sonograms of children, he made that technology and allowed man to discover it. All of these words left my mouth, but I felt outside of the situation. I felt as if I was sitting behind me, or from the other side of the office, simply watching it happen. I couldn’t slow down, and I couldn’t follow the words as they left my mouth. But they did. And it was amazing.

I was moved the entire day how God had moved in me. How God was moving in my aunt. I could see the desire in her eyes. Her interest peaked and that she really did like this new church she was going to. Once I left work, I noticed all the people walking down Main Street. The busy of their life consuming them. Swallowing them whole. But I also noticed a few people walking the trails. As I passed them in my car, I watched as they were stopped, taking pictures of the beautiful trees. Almost everyone cannot resist the autumn leaves. Their colours are so vibrant and so contrasting compared to the green grass and brown bark. But there was one woman who stood out to me. She was taking a picture of a tree also. But the two trees she was focused on had no leaves. There may have been a different reason why she was focused on them. But my exact thought process was this: she appreciated the branches without the leaves. She treasured them compared to all the trees that were full with colour and shining brightly. She found beauty in the barren.
Just as God does.

Simple Complexity

9.4.12

Simple words after my morning devotional.

God gave me needs. Ones that I am driven to self-fulfill.
God gave me free will. Which I take with greed.
I make choices I know are wrong. I allow sin to fill my heart, and deceit to cloud my mind.
But God is still good. He waits patiently for me. He is not weary as I am.
He is not angry with my rebellion.
God gives me love. Which I reject thinking I can find it elsewhere.
Again, he waits.
God gave me His Son. A beacon of light for my life hidden in the shadows.
That too, I run from. But God gives me Grace. And open arms.
Which eventually I run into with exhaust.
His embrace is full of mercy and encouragement.
His mighty power is great and His glory beautiful.
As a child filled with wonder, I tremble.
But with the gift of knowledge I thirst for more.

Unfinished

I found a torn piece of paper in my room. The following is the words that I scribbled and left to complete later, which I chose to let it be.

3.26.12

What if you stopped looking?

Deep down you know all the searching is going to turn up empty.

Overturning buckets, and digging through drawers.

Throwing out clothes and rustling about the papers.

You think eventually it will turn up.

Then time will cease and your life will be complete.

Mission fulfilled.

You're deceived.

Enclosed in a black box where life is comfortable--too comfortable.

You don't know the wrong you are immersed in, masked by right.

The Missing Link

7.23.12

I volunteer to devote time to an underprivileged child through the organization Big Brothers and Sisters. The main goal is to positively impact children in your area by spending time with them. We refer to the child as a “little”, and my child’s name is Diamond.

My “little” and I went to the public pool this afternoon. Once there, we settled in and had a wonderful time. I was trying to teach her how to swim a majority of the time. Once she got hungry we went into the locker room area to get my money. Like any other locker room there were lots of people. Women getting their family ready, trying to rinse off their little children, teenagers gossiping, the whole works. The public lockers require 50 cents to rent. As I was getting out my wallet, an older white woman seemed to be looking for something. Once I shut my locker and turned around, she had grabbed the arm of my little and raised her voice to say “Did you take it? My two quarters, where is it?” Diamond, who recently turned eight, looked confused. She just stared at the women. I kindly told the older woman “Sorry, we just walked in. We don’t have you money.” She glared at me, which I didn’t understand. I apologized again, took Diamond by the hand and left.

Diamond didn’t seem really phased by it. But it was nagging at me. There were many different women and children within the locker room itself. And when I walked out, I noticed the older woman’s possessions were across the room on another bench away from where we had been standing. So why did she have to accuse my eight year old “little” and then take out the rest of her resentment on me. I may be jumping to conclusions, but Diamond is of African descent and I myself am biracial. So out of all the other white people in the locker room, she came to the other side of the room and accused us.  This thought just kept lingering as I watched her exit the locker room.

I then began watching all the people at the public pool. A black family walked past to enter the slide area, and a hispanic family followed behind. I noticed how these two families didn’t know each other previously but began talking to one another. Noting how their children played together in the water, and that the young adults can get under their skin. They shook hands and bid adieu in hopes to meet again. I watched how two mothers gave disapproving looks to a very young (most likely between ages 18-21) mother playing with her child and taking pictures to remember the event at the pool. I loved to watch two particular people sitting adjacent to me. There was a bigger black woman and a very thin white female who I would describe as a tom boy. They laughed so carefree all the time. I noted that an unhealthy looking woman carrying a pack of cigarettes stood by the slides to get pictures of her children. And the people previously around that area quickly packed up their things and moved to a different table. Once Diamond and I finished eating and went back towards the pool area, I saw the accusing older woman again. She was with, what I assumed to be, her daughter and granddaughter. I waved friendly and she turned around and whispered to her daughter. Again I may be paranoid, but it actually did hurt. In the pool, I made note of how all the people interacted. The women that constantly kept track of when to turn on the tanning cycle. The rowdy boys playing football. The toddlers trying to swim, etc. All the people, the black and Hispanic family, and that one older woman.

Some people are easier at adjusting to others. They seem to be more open or friendlier. Others tend to shut out, and become extremely judgmental to strangers. I’m not saying I myself have never done both cases. It’s just that there is something missing in so many people. A loss connection that we all need. Just imagined if you took the love that you have for your family, and your very close mates, and thought of each person like that. The person in front of you in line, the slow car making you annoyed, the noisy children at the doctor’s office,  that coworker you can’t come to terms with, or the girl talking too loudly on her phone. All of those people, all of them, are more than people. Their life is eternal. A soul that should be treated as a cherished treasure. I’ve never understood discrimination or prejudices because of the way I was brought up, and I know that home life effects the way the mind perceives, but I myself don’t get them. But I have learned to think of others a different way. How special each person. How individual and unique they are. Made for some purpose in life. That each person has a special talent, ones that can be subtle, or obvious. I may never get to know what they are, but I’m sure they have them. Each person’s soul is a beautiful intricate life force that is going to live on forever. And sharing a smile with them, and showing a tender heart, and most importantly displaying love for them, how brilliant would that be? Just think of it.

Learning

7.?.12

 Being my introvert self, I sit in my room all day (not every day!) reading, thinking too much or painting,or some other odd form of art. But after all that, I produce the following nonsense:

I love to paint, sketch, and create things. I’ve become skillful at such tasks. At solving problems in my Chemistry courses. So as I sit on my computer typing away and listening to Explosions in the Sky; I can’t help but wonder who became so good at making music. Or so obsessed with technology to give me the opportunity to use such a device as this laptop.

Someone who is intelligent. Someone who is delicate. Someone. What I’ve began to notice (by notice I mean pay attention to this lingering thought arising from my subconscious) more and more is how I work and why. I’ve got this best friend, Victoria. She’s pretty awesome, don’t argue about that. Anyway, I would do anything for her. She loves me and I know that because of how she treats me. When I screw up, she calls me a dumb ass and gives me a hug. She understands that I messed up for my own selfish desires, but she still is my friend. She cares about me regardless of what I do.
While swinging with her one morning, she described being scared about her own friends discovering her mistakes. My response later at lunch was, “They’re not going to judge you. Or they shouldn’t if they love Christ. They’re going to have His love in their heart, and love you no matter what you say or do. Just like He loves us because of no reason besides that we are His.” She’s told me how much it’s impacted her recently. And I see that more and more. Like how she loves me regardless of what I do. That she loves those around her in her daily life. She has the love of Christ in her heart; so she loves me all the same.

So my thinking has broadened that point a little more. Back to my technology rant. I’m not imposing this belief on anyone, okay? If you disagree, click to a different post or a completely different website. But when I look at my surroundings I’m amazed in an artistic point of view of the beauty that surrounds me. How the sun sets and rises, how the stars twinkle and form shapes in the deep black, blue and purple tinted sky. That a certain vine wraps around a tree trunk so delicately. That the rain falls from the sky leaving an amazing aroma and atmosphere tints the grass and trees. My love for science makes me think of how the molecules that make up the rain have certain properties that react. That water isn’t combustible at room temperature. That the stars above me are shining light on the earth that is thousands of years old, and even our Sun’s light is eight seconds old. That if the Earth was any closer or further away in its gravitational rotation, we could burn up, or freeze. That when I look at my paint, I’m curious about how all the atoms are pushing and pulling just enough to stay bonded. I’m simply amazed at the intricate design of everything. And that, I could never actually create any of it.

But what we have created, computers, cell phones, paintings is based on an intelligence given to us. That a higher power, one that is good, gave us the ability to create such things. That as a Christian, Christ is living in us. Not impersonating, but allowing our lives to be changed because he is guiding us. How did you learn to ride your bike? I taught my sisters last summer. I held them firmly and began to rotate their pedals by hand. Let them understand the movement their legs must do. Even while they pedaled, I was pushing on their back making the bike go forward. I straightened their arms and guiding the handle bars. My sisters didn’t mock riding their bike. They allowed me to guide them. Hold on to them firmly.
Then. I. Let. Go. Yes, of course they fell. Hard. So I picked them back up and held on a little longer to the bike. Eventually they learned, and now they ride along just fine. Without my previously held knowledge about bike riding, would they have learned? Most likely, no. Silly analogy, but I think it does some justice. It helps me understand that I’m being guided by a higher authority(which I reject so often). Someone wiser leads me along a path. I’m learning from God. Slowly but surely. Then he lets go and I take my free will and run rampid. Then I stumble and fall. Stubborn and pride-filled, I refuse help. Once I come around, my body begins to heal itself; and repair the damage to my emotions and mind. Why? Christ did. He suffered and was filled with pain only to rise up. So he is doing the same to me.

I’ve thought of many ways to end this post. However, my mind can’t seem to wrap it up. Closure is not flooding me like it usually does. The only reason I can think of is that I’m not done with this lingering feeling. I can’t end this post because it’s only beginning.  I’m still running with this idea. Exploring, and allowing it to fill me up. Fill me with hope for a future where I’m in debt to a savior. Hope that I don’t have to try hard for acceptance. Hope that when I fall, I’ve got help to get back up. Hope that I want happiness and everyone else in the world is seeking it too. So loving on them is bringing them a fleeting moment of happiness. And that showing them a gentle heart and love will be simple once I grasp the concept that I’ve been given the gift of love is joyful. Even though it’s hard, when I fill my vision with the right thing, of Christ, He is going to change me. Fill me with Him, and I’ll learn to love others. Christ offers everything for the price of nothing. And that fills me hope.

Over Looked

7.12.12

I keep watching that clock, never letting the hands out of my sight.
But all along, I’ve been letting it go.
Time slipping through my fingers while I wander to and fro

I looked in the mirror, and lost all sanity.
Looked through the window and saw it all crumble.
They said it would destroy me, so I took the challenge.
Walked in the alley, and sought out shelter.
Became independent and strived for what I knew best.

But my mind became cloudy, and my purpose became skewed.
I kept going, never knowing what to do.
What I saw was all wrong, yet I never discerned such knowledge.
Uncertainty grew with each corner I turned,
getting deeper and deeper, until engulfed by the madness.

Confusion welled up and I was shaking with fear.
Entangled by how I had gotten here, I was left in a dazed state.
My hands began hurting, burning with the pain.
Splinters hit my back and I realize all that is.
Roped to this pole, I can hear it crackle, and smell the smoke.

They told me of my own destruction,
running around with these crazy desires.
I didn’t know it would be them to start the blaze.
Defeat is not in my vocabulary, so I raise my head high.
Lift my eyes to see where all this evil could have started.
Only to search about this cold vacant place
and see the inside of my own beating heart.

Complexity

7.9.12

Life is simple.
Birth, breath, death.

But you live.

Looking into the pool.
A vast deep perplexity of blue.
Then swimming as simple as inhaling.
A steel frame with only two wheels is bound to throw you on the dirt.
Then pedaling is effortless.
That adrenaline pumped moment of flight.
Jumping from the strip of rubber held by two metal chains is going to last forever.
Then a face meets the dirt, and tears are shed.
Before the sun sets; however, the swing is in motion again.
Two wheels were easy, but four on a steel frame is impossible.
Driving and driving until collision.
Blessed enough to buy another car.

The joy of being around others with unconditional joy.
A family that laughs and celebrates company.
Bringing an endless glow, a deafening wave of emotion.
Endless moments between friends.
Loyal people bound always to be there.
After damage is done, a hug mends the wounds.
More to do, off goes the exploration.
Then a terrifying moment.

Hearts accelerate, and lips meet.
Hands are held, and words are spoken.
Like the sun setting, and the stars shinning,
Her beauty is more ravishing each day.
But things get blown out of proportion.
Insults are thrown and ties are broken.
Like the depth of the ocean and the cliff of a canyon, the relationship is so very torn.

But love binds.
Held tight with passion and fury.
Affection and devotion.
The emotion mirrored in a pair of eyes.
Ignited in the smile.
Filled with hope, dreams are born.
Goals are met, others are exceeded.
Then dust settles and years pass away.
Memories made and moments that replay.
Cherished time held for an eternity, even after that very last breath.

Viral

6.25.12

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the shame and terrible mistakes!
How proud they are, gleaming ever so bright in their cages.
No regulations, or chains made could hold them.
To think different is a fool’s trick.
They’ve been around the block a time or two,
knowing which moves to make and participate in all events!

The chaos is addicting, and the thrill invigorating;
Leading the poor hostess down to her knees.
When it becomes too overwhelming she’s left screaming for a way out.
But the guilt never seems to be enough for her to stop.

Oh no, she needs something definite to show her the light,
rather than just seeing the signs.
The answer stands before her, screaming for attention.
The tragedy is present yet she has become so blind.

It’s ready to engulf, take her in.
Then she looks it in the eye, and weeps tears of defeat.
For she’s been here time and time again,
knowing the outcome that will burst forth and carry on.
So she hangs her head low crushed by the downfall.
The events have fooled her; the fun is no longer there.
Nothing can save her as she walks down this lane again.
Heavy footfalls sinking lower and lower.

Who knows?

6.12.12

The tears are so hot on my face.

A feeling that I will never get used to

no matter how many times I cry in this short life.

I ache, physically but mostly emotionally.

My soul twinges from the destruction that has been dealt in my hand.

No aces for me, I just can’t win.

But I’m not afraid to risk it all.

I’m more than willing to throw in all my chips.

Win or lose, I’m going in with my head held high.

To turn and make decisions that may or may not be worth it in the end.

But life isn’t a game.

There isn’t a strategy that will allow an advantage.

And most certainly you can’t win or lose.

Learning is what I’ve got to do.

I’ve tried to be independent.

Attempted at being a teacher. Someone to lead others.

But what I need is to follow.

To allow the vulnerability to hit my life, bring me to my knees.

The pain, oh I’m used to it.

But I think I’m ready. Ready to accept it.

Accept what I’ve got and move on. Try and trust him, take his hand and follow once again.

To continue on when I can’t see a damn thing.

Doesn’t it sound familiar.

Cliché or not, it’s Faith.

It’s in my mind and written across wrist.

I need to start with that.

I don’t want to be surrounded by the darkness but it may be for the best.

I don’t need to see everything around me to walk.

Perception is already in place, but it’s not unchangeable.

So I’m leaving this shit and looking for happiness.

Lots of places I’ve looked.

Finding easy ways out and permitting the feeling of comfort to make it okay.

But that’s not right.

There may be another set of stairs underneath me,

or a raging river, perhaps the wind is from the depth of the canyon below.

Who fucking knows, but I’m taking that step.

Lingering

6.11.12

Our lines were blurred by the moments we shared.
With time well spent enjoying the company.
The similarities pulling us together.
Proximity is so harmless when people are there.
But solitude allows unfolding events.

It started with a kiss, but it was never enough.
Loneliness and insecurity feeding our want.
Our hugs were so careful and our laughter so free.
But in your eyes I could see the lust, the passion.
The yearning, mirrored in my own.
A second to long on the small of my back
the fingers intertwined, oh the craving that was passed.
But the fault falls on my shoulders.
I suppose the attention felt so good.
Overwhelmed with flattery I stayed by your side.
Befriended the evil that I knew would come.

The room filled with smoke and tension.
Taking step after step, until we both went to far.
Never looking below, we leaped off the cliff.

The lines disappeared with moments of excitement and prying hands.
I no longer see the past but an uncertain future.
One with our destruction from the surpassing movements.
The love we shared I hope it is real.
For the sake of our friendship
I know the words must be said that the benefits must end.

Yea, life is shitty.

6.12.12

           Life sucks, it's full of shit. People die when they haven't lived yet.
Relationships end and significant others get hurt in their wake.
They steal and destroy.
They cheat and lie.
It. Just. Gets. Emptied.

           That's how I feel all the time. I've been beaten down by those I entrusted to keep me safe. To bring joy into my life. This isn’t fair to people at all to think that way. I've failed my friends and family before. We're human! We are going to mess up, forget, be late, and not answer that important phone call by accident. We will disappoint those around us.
Anyhoo... I've been hurt, again and again; and multiple times more when I thought it couldn't get any worse. But tonight, I talked to a coworker. A friend. She told me a bit of her story. How things are falling apart in a relationship. I felt her pain. Felt the anger and resentment in her heart towards this man. But she shined ever so bright. She spoke true wisdom in my life that I know can only come from Him. The same words that have been spoken to me recently by a wise women. Twice now, so I’d say it’s starting to sink in.

           She said a lot of good things that I will most likely paraphrase:
That He is good and EVERYTHING we have is a blessing. Every moment that we experience; whether it's raining on our day, our wallet gets stolen, we make a wrong turn and get lost--those are all hidden blessings. I've learned over the past year that we are wretched selfish human beings. But He loves us so much that he extends the very best for us as His children. So everything we are given is a gift, a blessing.

           Why? Who freaking knows? We may never understand it. Why? Because we are human and we see the very near future.
Which is about five seconds. We do not see what will come in the next hour, the next month, or when we walk around the corner in the next 5 minutes. We will never see the bigger picture because what we focus on is the past and the present. Life is crazy and confusing. We have this line of time that we continue to walk on but God doesn't work with that line. He is out of time and his line is eternal. Stretching on forever.

          That God is good. Regardless of how our life is, He is continuing to provide for us. Again, in the very end, our life will be fulfilled and complete. He is being a loving father; giving us choices and free will, but also trying to discipline us so that we have the chance to learn. To prosper into a life complete.

           I know that I have been focusing on my life's past and present. That I want to find happiness and heal from the wounds that have been inflicted on me. But after talking with her, my friend and the other wise women, I see that there is so much more. The hope glowing through her from Him when I would want to give up from the pain in her circumstance was extremely encouraging. Trying your best to look at what stands ahead. That the bigger picture is a beautiful one. Filled with a happily ever after and so many bright painted colors (sorry, artist coming out of my personality)

           My story isn’t over. I’ve been trying to write it, and I still am. Most likely I will continue to write how my life should go and events should happen. It’s my flawed nature. But I have hope that pain isn’t always going to be the majority of my life. That I can find something else. That there is a bigger picture, and it’s out of my control. It’s big and beautiful, terrifying and breathtaking. Invigoratingly so, it’s a picture that I can’t see. Which leaves me uneasy, but comfort is only temporary.

Post Break Up

6.8.12

I’ve sat with you time and time again.
Feeling your presence.
Your arms of comfort bringing me peace.

But the ruins are forming and the monuments are crashing.
Falling away into the sand with destruction in their wake.
I see the winding paths.
Oh the many possibilities that entail my future.
Such uncertainty rips terror through my very heart.
Speared and broken I lay with the remains of my past.

So I take the shambles and stand on my own two feet.
I may stand in defeat but I’ve always got something up my sleeve.
This time my plan will carry through.
I’m not immortal but I’ll walk forward.
Fear of the end sets me in motion to push on.

I’ve ending everything with you.
All the pain you’ve inflicted I couldn’t take.
So know that I loved you. I followed your way.
But sometimes we’ve got to leave the nest and turn away.
I’m sorry to have gone but I think it’s for the best.
Following my heart, and leading with my mind.

I turn and run.
Run. Run. Run.
The darkness encloses but I’ve been blinded before.
Run.
Take the reins of this life.
Run.
Blackness consumes.
Run.
Onward I step.

It's over.

6.3.12

            I was tempted not to write these words. But I wish to be as truthful as I can. I deceive often but it should make what I’m about to say more real than ever if I write it. Set it in stone.
Today I said aloud to a friend what I think has been on my mind for a while. I told her “I broke up with God.”

It somehow hurts to say it. Like a piece of me has been removed. I have no idea what this looks like. But for a while now I have understood that believing in God is more than going to church. It’s more that singing and talking about who he is or what his son did. It’s more than all of that and so much more. It’s a relationship with him. It’s having that relationship with him that makes it personal and more real. But just like many relationships, things go wrong. People make mistakes, and I’ve made many. I have lost the trust that I use to have in him. I see my life, where it has gone, where it is, and that my future holds to much uncertainty that I’m not comfortable with. He made things good but my life has been made a mess with constant pain. Somewhere he forgot me. He let me go and put me in situations that have left me in distress and pain that seemed unbearable. So just like relationships that I’ve held on to, I found it time to end this. It’s weird because I haven’t stopped believing. I still think that there is this god that is out there. That made this beautiful world filling it with people. Saw that it turned around. That it went the wrong direction. So he sent his son, fulfilled his anger at the humans and had him crucified. I just don’t believe that god is with me. That he is filling my life for the better.

                I’ve responded in a way that I only know how to. I don’t know what else I can do but take control of my life. I choose to go out and smoke weed, have drinks at a party, and act however pleases me. The consequences are there. Most recently I’ve seen them. Lying down with a guy thinking it was okay. That it was alright to cuddle and not feel alone when I went to sleep. But as I’ve seen in the past, drunk guys act however they choose. If they want to sleep with you they’ll try and try. And I had to try my very best to hold off until he finally passed out so that I could roll away. It gave me a reason not to drink again. But my mind is shutting off. It’s like if I don’t think about it, then I can live on. There are moments when I break down. That all these memories flood back invading my mind. But then they are gone in a flash and I walk on. It is so odd how I really am pushing back these thoughts so I don’t even have to deal with my decisions.

                I’ve talked very briefly to a few of my Christian friends. I love them and see how good they are. I respect that they believe this all and witnessing god work in their life. I even envy what is happening in their life. But I feel so lonely. That no one is here to listen. My friends have gone and I’m left alone to deal with what is here. The mess I’ve been dealt with and choosing to ignore what is happening. They give me an answer that is ever so scripted. I’ll pray for you, and tell others to pray for you also. I’m sure that would have been my response if I still had my faith. I don’t though. So I’m choosing to walk on. Basically ignore what they are saying to me. It is my decision that I know of. This path will be different and I wouldn’t say that I’m excited. But I’ve always liked change. This is huge. I hope that I can find happiness hidden in the corners of this world. Find a patch just for me where joy will spring and I can do something great.

Reality

5.8.12

Today I spent many hours at the local library. I was captivated, for many reasons, by a large book. The first to catch my eye was the word Grace in the title. I’ve always been fascinated by grace, especially because it’s completely uncomprehend-able. Second, there was a black and white photo of an older woman on the cover. She looked much worn out, but her eyes held a story that I would be willing to listen to any day, and multiple times.

Upon opening this book, described what was to be entailed. The entire book was simple photographs of men, women, children, and family alike. However, these people were homeless (which always gets my emotions reeling, especially children). The book was simple. That’s all there was. About every 6-7 pages would be a few short sentences about the photographer’s encounter with the homeless person and perhaps a brief telling of their story. Each page, my heart was ripped by the person’s eyes I was forced to stare into. They held a story, and moments that I will never experience. Pain that is held back until they’re alone. Fears that I won’t be able to imagine. Such intensity within their soul held me yearning for more.

The most important part of this was the fact they were homeless. Not only without a sheltered place to call their own, but without friends and family to give them encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, or an ear to listen. The author informed the audience that the photographer and he had filled an entire studio with portraits of the homeless. And that the photographer had barely scraped the surface of homeless shelters, parks, and streets of the like. The amount of people hit me. I’ve always known in my mind how bad it was, I’ve been around homeless, given them food and clothing. But it hit me in the heart a different way this time. I saw the beauty in these people. I saw the potential that they have if their fate would have turned out differently. I saw how much faith and hope they must have to live day to day not knowing.
             I saw how God was using them. How they were speaking into my heart so readily when I haven’t even met them. How each time I do meet someone living on the streets, that they do change my heart. How each person that is consider “less fortunate” than me, gives me more than I could ever give them. I can give a sandwich, or a hug, or just listen; they give me hope and understanding, encouragement and joy. Nothing compares to those hours spent with people on the streets trusting God and sharing their faith with me.

              It also struck me how little words there were on the pages. How words were not needed. The only reason words were given was to clarify the reason of the photographs and to give the photographer his statement and a summary of his encounters. As an artist, this gave me encouragement. This book reminded me how art should be. It’s not meant to be pretty, or catch the audience off guard so they could have some deep revelation. Art is meant to be real. If it ends up being horrific, beautiful, unsettling, moves the audience to tears, so be it. But art is raw, and should remain as so. The artist should allow it to reflect what they feel, and let others be changed, and change the artist.

Moments

I wrote this (and many other incoherent words) hours after I found out that another friend of mine has been taken from this world.

Rest in peace Lacey, I love you.

4.23.12

So often we've all wanted to turn the hour glass upside down. Add just a few more grains of sand.

Or maybe just lay it on it's side, allowing time to stand where it is.

To watch the minute hand slowly decline in speed.

Until there is no movement upon that dreaded clock.

That's what I want more than anything.

I don't want to be aware that time is moving...I simply want it all to cease.

For it to stretch on and on. I want just a few more moments with you.

A night filled with our uncontrollable laughter. And a movie turned into a game of shots.

I want to see that amazing smile spread across your face like wild fire.

The glimmer in your eye so contagious I smile right back.

To hear your dreams and aspirations. To be there when you're sad, and listen to your story.

Making the ending a happily ever after.

Why have you gone? I wasn't ready for you to disappear.

This isn't how it's supposed to end.

Your life was no where near finished.

We still had plans to be executed, and more to make.

The tears hit my face when I realize you're truly gone.

The time should have continued ticking. Just more is all I ask for?

The darkness enveloped you in an instant and now it falls upon me.

Darkness fills my mind as I've got nowhere to turn.

Please oh clock, retrieve back to where you were just days ago.

When I could see you walking around. Bringing joy to so many.

To see the love overflowing from your life.

Independent and free.

I guess that's what you are now, free from this world, resting in peace.