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6.25.12

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the shame and terrible mistakes!
How proud they are, gleaming ever so bright in their cages.
No regulations, or chains made could hold them.
To think different is a fool’s trick.
They’ve been around the block a time or two,
knowing which moves to make and participate in all events!

The chaos is addicting, and the thrill invigorating;
Leading the poor hostess down to her knees.
When it becomes too overwhelming she’s left screaming for a way out.
But the guilt never seems to be enough for her to stop.

Oh no, she needs something definite to show her the light,
rather than just seeing the signs.
The answer stands before her, screaming for attention.
The tragedy is present yet she has become so blind.

It’s ready to engulf, take her in.
Then she looks it in the eye, and weeps tears of defeat.
For she’s been here time and time again,
knowing the outcome that will burst forth and carry on.
So she hangs her head low crushed by the downfall.
The events have fooled her; the fun is no longer there.
Nothing can save her as she walks down this lane again.
Heavy footfalls sinking lower and lower.

Who knows?

6.12.12

The tears are so hot on my face.

A feeling that I will never get used to

no matter how many times I cry in this short life.

I ache, physically but mostly emotionally.

My soul twinges from the destruction that has been dealt in my hand.

No aces for me, I just can’t win.

But I’m not afraid to risk it all.

I’m more than willing to throw in all my chips.

Win or lose, I’m going in with my head held high.

To turn and make decisions that may or may not be worth it in the end.

But life isn’t a game.

There isn’t a strategy that will allow an advantage.

And most certainly you can’t win or lose.

Learning is what I’ve got to do.

I’ve tried to be independent.

Attempted at being a teacher. Someone to lead others.

But what I need is to follow.

To allow the vulnerability to hit my life, bring me to my knees.

The pain, oh I’m used to it.

But I think I’m ready. Ready to accept it.

Accept what I’ve got and move on. Try and trust him, take his hand and follow once again.

To continue on when I can’t see a damn thing.

Doesn’t it sound familiar.

Cliché or not, it’s Faith.

It’s in my mind and written across wrist.

I need to start with that.

I don’t want to be surrounded by the darkness but it may be for the best.

I don’t need to see everything around me to walk.

Perception is already in place, but it’s not unchangeable.

So I’m leaving this shit and looking for happiness.

Lots of places I’ve looked.

Finding easy ways out and permitting the feeling of comfort to make it okay.

But that’s not right.

There may be another set of stairs underneath me,

or a raging river, perhaps the wind is from the depth of the canyon below.

Who fucking knows, but I’m taking that step.

Lingering

6.11.12

Our lines were blurred by the moments we shared.
With time well spent enjoying the company.
The similarities pulling us together.
Proximity is so harmless when people are there.
But solitude allows unfolding events.

It started with a kiss, but it was never enough.
Loneliness and insecurity feeding our want.
Our hugs were so careful and our laughter so free.
But in your eyes I could see the lust, the passion.
The yearning, mirrored in my own.
A second to long on the small of my back
the fingers intertwined, oh the craving that was passed.
But the fault falls on my shoulders.
I suppose the attention felt so good.
Overwhelmed with flattery I stayed by your side.
Befriended the evil that I knew would come.

The room filled with smoke and tension.
Taking step after step, until we both went to far.
Never looking below, we leaped off the cliff.

The lines disappeared with moments of excitement and prying hands.
I no longer see the past but an uncertain future.
One with our destruction from the surpassing movements.
The love we shared I hope it is real.
For the sake of our friendship
I know the words must be said that the benefits must end.

Yea, life is shitty.

6.12.12

           Life sucks, it's full of shit. People die when they haven't lived yet.
Relationships end and significant others get hurt in their wake.
They steal and destroy.
They cheat and lie.
It. Just. Gets. Emptied.

           That's how I feel all the time. I've been beaten down by those I entrusted to keep me safe. To bring joy into my life. This isn’t fair to people at all to think that way. I've failed my friends and family before. We're human! We are going to mess up, forget, be late, and not answer that important phone call by accident. We will disappoint those around us.
Anyhoo... I've been hurt, again and again; and multiple times more when I thought it couldn't get any worse. But tonight, I talked to a coworker. A friend. She told me a bit of her story. How things are falling apart in a relationship. I felt her pain. Felt the anger and resentment in her heart towards this man. But she shined ever so bright. She spoke true wisdom in my life that I know can only come from Him. The same words that have been spoken to me recently by a wise women. Twice now, so I’d say it’s starting to sink in.

           She said a lot of good things that I will most likely paraphrase:
That He is good and EVERYTHING we have is a blessing. Every moment that we experience; whether it's raining on our day, our wallet gets stolen, we make a wrong turn and get lost--those are all hidden blessings. I've learned over the past year that we are wretched selfish human beings. But He loves us so much that he extends the very best for us as His children. So everything we are given is a gift, a blessing.

           Why? Who freaking knows? We may never understand it. Why? Because we are human and we see the very near future.
Which is about five seconds. We do not see what will come in the next hour, the next month, or when we walk around the corner in the next 5 minutes. We will never see the bigger picture because what we focus on is the past and the present. Life is crazy and confusing. We have this line of time that we continue to walk on but God doesn't work with that line. He is out of time and his line is eternal. Stretching on forever.

          That God is good. Regardless of how our life is, He is continuing to provide for us. Again, in the very end, our life will be fulfilled and complete. He is being a loving father; giving us choices and free will, but also trying to discipline us so that we have the chance to learn. To prosper into a life complete.

           I know that I have been focusing on my life's past and present. That I want to find happiness and heal from the wounds that have been inflicted on me. But after talking with her, my friend and the other wise women, I see that there is so much more. The hope glowing through her from Him when I would want to give up from the pain in her circumstance was extremely encouraging. Trying your best to look at what stands ahead. That the bigger picture is a beautiful one. Filled with a happily ever after and so many bright painted colors (sorry, artist coming out of my personality)

           My story isn’t over. I’ve been trying to write it, and I still am. Most likely I will continue to write how my life should go and events should happen. It’s my flawed nature. But I have hope that pain isn’t always going to be the majority of my life. That I can find something else. That there is a bigger picture, and it’s out of my control. It’s big and beautiful, terrifying and breathtaking. Invigoratingly so, it’s a picture that I can’t see. Which leaves me uneasy, but comfort is only temporary.

Post Break Up

6.8.12

I’ve sat with you time and time again.
Feeling your presence.
Your arms of comfort bringing me peace.

But the ruins are forming and the monuments are crashing.
Falling away into the sand with destruction in their wake.
I see the winding paths.
Oh the many possibilities that entail my future.
Such uncertainty rips terror through my very heart.
Speared and broken I lay with the remains of my past.

So I take the shambles and stand on my own two feet.
I may stand in defeat but I’ve always got something up my sleeve.
This time my plan will carry through.
I’m not immortal but I’ll walk forward.
Fear of the end sets me in motion to push on.

I’ve ending everything with you.
All the pain you’ve inflicted I couldn’t take.
So know that I loved you. I followed your way.
But sometimes we’ve got to leave the nest and turn away.
I’m sorry to have gone but I think it’s for the best.
Following my heart, and leading with my mind.

I turn and run.
Run. Run. Run.
The darkness encloses but I’ve been blinded before.
Run.
Take the reins of this life.
Run.
Blackness consumes.
Run.
Onward I step.

It's over.

6.3.12

            I was tempted not to write these words. But I wish to be as truthful as I can. I deceive often but it should make what I’m about to say more real than ever if I write it. Set it in stone.
Today I said aloud to a friend what I think has been on my mind for a while. I told her “I broke up with God.”

It somehow hurts to say it. Like a piece of me has been removed. I have no idea what this looks like. But for a while now I have understood that believing in God is more than going to church. It’s more that singing and talking about who he is or what his son did. It’s more than all of that and so much more. It’s a relationship with him. It’s having that relationship with him that makes it personal and more real. But just like many relationships, things go wrong. People make mistakes, and I’ve made many. I have lost the trust that I use to have in him. I see my life, where it has gone, where it is, and that my future holds to much uncertainty that I’m not comfortable with. He made things good but my life has been made a mess with constant pain. Somewhere he forgot me. He let me go and put me in situations that have left me in distress and pain that seemed unbearable. So just like relationships that I’ve held on to, I found it time to end this. It’s weird because I haven’t stopped believing. I still think that there is this god that is out there. That made this beautiful world filling it with people. Saw that it turned around. That it went the wrong direction. So he sent his son, fulfilled his anger at the humans and had him crucified. I just don’t believe that god is with me. That he is filling my life for the better.

                I’ve responded in a way that I only know how to. I don’t know what else I can do but take control of my life. I choose to go out and smoke weed, have drinks at a party, and act however pleases me. The consequences are there. Most recently I’ve seen them. Lying down with a guy thinking it was okay. That it was alright to cuddle and not feel alone when I went to sleep. But as I’ve seen in the past, drunk guys act however they choose. If they want to sleep with you they’ll try and try. And I had to try my very best to hold off until he finally passed out so that I could roll away. It gave me a reason not to drink again. But my mind is shutting off. It’s like if I don’t think about it, then I can live on. There are moments when I break down. That all these memories flood back invading my mind. But then they are gone in a flash and I walk on. It is so odd how I really am pushing back these thoughts so I don’t even have to deal with my decisions.

                I’ve talked very briefly to a few of my Christian friends. I love them and see how good they are. I respect that they believe this all and witnessing god work in their life. I even envy what is happening in their life. But I feel so lonely. That no one is here to listen. My friends have gone and I’m left alone to deal with what is here. The mess I’ve been dealt with and choosing to ignore what is happening. They give me an answer that is ever so scripted. I’ll pray for you, and tell others to pray for you also. I’m sure that would have been my response if I still had my faith. I don’t though. So I’m choosing to walk on. Basically ignore what they are saying to me. It is my decision that I know of. This path will be different and I wouldn’t say that I’m excited. But I’ve always liked change. This is huge. I hope that I can find happiness hidden in the corners of this world. Find a patch just for me where joy will spring and I can do something great.