Tempête

4.29.12

It’s storming. The rain is coming down hard and hitting the ground in a fury. I sit in my car listening to the chime of pellets hitting the hood. I like the sound of it. I like the chaos that surrounds me. Envelops and encircles, but not physically affecting me. It’s also frightening. The storm could turn for the worse. Abruptly become dangerous and change my life permanently. 

So I just stay in the safety of the car. Eventually it will pass. Overtime things will get better, and I won’t have to do a thing. I just need to wait it out. The thunder continues to rage. And the lightning splits the sky with a frightening crack. The storm goes on. I wonder when the rain will ever let up. I still like the sound of it all.
The state of disorder surrounding me. Making it just interesting enough to stick around. It’s like playing with fire. Get to close, you’ll burn yourself. However the appeal of that danger is what draws you in. That flame is alluring and tricky. But in the end, you always get to close.

Time passes, and I’m still waiting in my car. When is this going to let up? The storm is no longer fun, and I just want to leave. But it still is raging. I’m sure that if I wait a little longer, the lightning will die down, and the rain will let up enough so that I can make it inside. I’ve got an umbrella, but that wind would rip it to shreds.  Watching the mess unfold is no longer fun. When is the darkness going to recede just enough?

I can’t take it. So I grab my umbrella and brace the wind. It’s roaring around me, and the rain slaps my legs. The lightning that I once thought was beautifully unnerving shrieks with fury. But I walk on. With in the first few steps, I notice the sound of the storm is not a wretched as I thought while sitting in my car. It’s much more muted.
The thunder has passed also. I walk on and the flashes become distant and the lightning no longer rips through me core. The heaviness that I once held in my heart has receded and I’m walking calmly through this storm. 

--True facts. I returned home slightly before 1:30am, sat in my car for 20 minutes doing the above. All the while thinking about the storm. How much it was raging. How I liked how menacing it was. Then once I stepped out to return home, it seemed to cease. This is my life currently.

My life is full of pain and misunderstanding. A skewed perception of what is current and what needs to happen. However, the state is fun and dangerous. Giving me a rush that’s addicting. But in the end, it just may be my demise.
Seeing this; the deceptive game loses its luster. The appeal is gone, and I see the unpleasant factors. But I just want to wait things out. Sit back and let nature take its course until things magically turn around. Yeah..

That’s just not how it will turn out, ever. I can’t just sit in the mess that I’ve made. Accept the wrong choices as they are. I have to carry on. Adapt to new things, and deal with consequences. I have to walk through this rain. Just like I did when I left my car, it will lighten up. As I advance, the light will shine. Life is jagged, but I’m here. I’m living and it could be worse. It may get worse; however, darkness doesn’t remain forever.