Who knows?

6.12.12

The tears are so hot on my face.

A feeling that I will never get used to

no matter how many times I cry in this short life.

I ache, physically but mostly emotionally.

My soul twinges from the destruction that has been dealt in my hand.

No aces for me, I just can’t win.

But I’m not afraid to risk it all.

I’m more than willing to throw in all my chips.

Win or lose, I’m going in with my head held high.

To turn and make decisions that may or may not be worth it in the end.

But life isn’t a game.

There isn’t a strategy that will allow an advantage.

And most certainly you can’t win or lose.

Learning is what I’ve got to do.

I’ve tried to be independent.

Attempted at being a teacher. Someone to lead others.

But what I need is to follow.

To allow the vulnerability to hit my life, bring me to my knees.

The pain, oh I’m used to it.

But I think I’m ready. Ready to accept it.

Accept what I’ve got and move on. Try and trust him, take his hand and follow once again.

To continue on when I can’t see a damn thing.

Doesn’t it sound familiar.

Cliché or not, it’s Faith.

It’s in my mind and written across wrist.

I need to start with that.

I don’t want to be surrounded by the darkness but it may be for the best.

I don’t need to see everything around me to walk.

Perception is already in place, but it’s not unchangeable.

So I’m leaving this shit and looking for happiness.

Lots of places I’ve looked.

Finding easy ways out and permitting the feeling of comfort to make it okay.

But that’s not right.

There may be another set of stairs underneath me,

or a raging river, perhaps the wind is from the depth of the canyon below.

Who fucking knows, but I’m taking that step.

Lingering

6.11.12

Our lines were blurred by the moments we shared.
With time well spent enjoying the company.
The similarities pulling us together.
Proximity is so harmless when people are there.
But solitude allows unfolding events.

It started with a kiss, but it was never enough.
Loneliness and insecurity feeding our want.
Our hugs were so careful and our laughter so free.
But in your eyes I could see the lust, the passion.
The yearning, mirrored in my own.
A second to long on the small of my back
the fingers intertwined, oh the craving that was passed.
But the fault falls on my shoulders.
I suppose the attention felt so good.
Overwhelmed with flattery I stayed by your side.
Befriended the evil that I knew would come.

The room filled with smoke and tension.
Taking step after step, until we both went to far.
Never looking below, we leaped off the cliff.

The lines disappeared with moments of excitement and prying hands.
I no longer see the past but an uncertain future.
One with our destruction from the surpassing movements.
The love we shared I hope it is real.
For the sake of our friendship
I know the words must be said that the benefits must end.

Yea, life is shitty.

6.12.12

           Life sucks, it's full of shit. People die when they haven't lived yet.
Relationships end and significant others get hurt in their wake.
They steal and destroy.
They cheat and lie.
It. Just. Gets. Emptied.

           That's how I feel all the time. I've been beaten down by those I entrusted to keep me safe. To bring joy into my life. This isn’t fair to people at all to think that way. I've failed my friends and family before. We're human! We are going to mess up, forget, be late, and not answer that important phone call by accident. We will disappoint those around us.
Anyhoo... I've been hurt, again and again; and multiple times more when I thought it couldn't get any worse. But tonight, I talked to a coworker. A friend. She told me a bit of her story. How things are falling apart in a relationship. I felt her pain. Felt the anger and resentment in her heart towards this man. But she shined ever so bright. She spoke true wisdom in my life that I know can only come from Him. The same words that have been spoken to me recently by a wise women. Twice now, so I’d say it’s starting to sink in.

           She said a lot of good things that I will most likely paraphrase:
That He is good and EVERYTHING we have is a blessing. Every moment that we experience; whether it's raining on our day, our wallet gets stolen, we make a wrong turn and get lost--those are all hidden blessings. I've learned over the past year that we are wretched selfish human beings. But He loves us so much that he extends the very best for us as His children. So everything we are given is a gift, a blessing.

           Why? Who freaking knows? We may never understand it. Why? Because we are human and we see the very near future.
Which is about five seconds. We do not see what will come in the next hour, the next month, or when we walk around the corner in the next 5 minutes. We will never see the bigger picture because what we focus on is the past and the present. Life is crazy and confusing. We have this line of time that we continue to walk on but God doesn't work with that line. He is out of time and his line is eternal. Stretching on forever.

          That God is good. Regardless of how our life is, He is continuing to provide for us. Again, in the very end, our life will be fulfilled and complete. He is being a loving father; giving us choices and free will, but also trying to discipline us so that we have the chance to learn. To prosper into a life complete.

           I know that I have been focusing on my life's past and present. That I want to find happiness and heal from the wounds that have been inflicted on me. But after talking with her, my friend and the other wise women, I see that there is so much more. The hope glowing through her from Him when I would want to give up from the pain in her circumstance was extremely encouraging. Trying your best to look at what stands ahead. That the bigger picture is a beautiful one. Filled with a happily ever after and so many bright painted colors (sorry, artist coming out of my personality)

           My story isn’t over. I’ve been trying to write it, and I still am. Most likely I will continue to write how my life should go and events should happen. It’s my flawed nature. But I have hope that pain isn’t always going to be the majority of my life. That I can find something else. That there is a bigger picture, and it’s out of my control. It’s big and beautiful, terrifying and breathtaking. Invigoratingly so, it’s a picture that I can’t see. Which leaves me uneasy, but comfort is only temporary.

Post Break Up

6.8.12

I’ve sat with you time and time again.
Feeling your presence.
Your arms of comfort bringing me peace.

But the ruins are forming and the monuments are crashing.
Falling away into the sand with destruction in their wake.
I see the winding paths.
Oh the many possibilities that entail my future.
Such uncertainty rips terror through my very heart.
Speared and broken I lay with the remains of my past.

So I take the shambles and stand on my own two feet.
I may stand in defeat but I’ve always got something up my sleeve.
This time my plan will carry through.
I’m not immortal but I’ll walk forward.
Fear of the end sets me in motion to push on.

I’ve ending everything with you.
All the pain you’ve inflicted I couldn’t take.
So know that I loved you. I followed your way.
But sometimes we’ve got to leave the nest and turn away.
I’m sorry to have gone but I think it’s for the best.
Following my heart, and leading with my mind.

I turn and run.
Run. Run. Run.
The darkness encloses but I’ve been blinded before.
Run.
Take the reins of this life.
Run.
Blackness consumes.
Run.
Onward I step.

It's over.

6.3.12

            I was tempted not to write these words. But I wish to be as truthful as I can. I deceive often but it should make what I’m about to say more real than ever if I write it. Set it in stone.
Today I said aloud to a friend what I think has been on my mind for a while. I told her “I broke up with God.”

It somehow hurts to say it. Like a piece of me has been removed. I have no idea what this looks like. But for a while now I have understood that believing in God is more than going to church. It’s more that singing and talking about who he is or what his son did. It’s more than all of that and so much more. It’s a relationship with him. It’s having that relationship with him that makes it personal and more real. But just like many relationships, things go wrong. People make mistakes, and I’ve made many. I have lost the trust that I use to have in him. I see my life, where it has gone, where it is, and that my future holds to much uncertainty that I’m not comfortable with. He made things good but my life has been made a mess with constant pain. Somewhere he forgot me. He let me go and put me in situations that have left me in distress and pain that seemed unbearable. So just like relationships that I’ve held on to, I found it time to end this. It’s weird because I haven’t stopped believing. I still think that there is this god that is out there. That made this beautiful world filling it with people. Saw that it turned around. That it went the wrong direction. So he sent his son, fulfilled his anger at the humans and had him crucified. I just don’t believe that god is with me. That he is filling my life for the better.

                I’ve responded in a way that I only know how to. I don’t know what else I can do but take control of my life. I choose to go out and smoke weed, have drinks at a party, and act however pleases me. The consequences are there. Most recently I’ve seen them. Lying down with a guy thinking it was okay. That it was alright to cuddle and not feel alone when I went to sleep. But as I’ve seen in the past, drunk guys act however they choose. If they want to sleep with you they’ll try and try. And I had to try my very best to hold off until he finally passed out so that I could roll away. It gave me a reason not to drink again. But my mind is shutting off. It’s like if I don’t think about it, then I can live on. There are moments when I break down. That all these memories flood back invading my mind. But then they are gone in a flash and I walk on. It is so odd how I really am pushing back these thoughts so I don’t even have to deal with my decisions.

                I’ve talked very briefly to a few of my Christian friends. I love them and see how good they are. I respect that they believe this all and witnessing god work in their life. I even envy what is happening in their life. But I feel so lonely. That no one is here to listen. My friends have gone and I’m left alone to deal with what is here. The mess I’ve been dealt with and choosing to ignore what is happening. They give me an answer that is ever so scripted. I’ll pray for you, and tell others to pray for you also. I’m sure that would have been my response if I still had my faith. I don’t though. So I’m choosing to walk on. Basically ignore what they are saying to me. It is my decision that I know of. This path will be different and I wouldn’t say that I’m excited. But I’ve always liked change. This is huge. I hope that I can find happiness hidden in the corners of this world. Find a patch just for me where joy will spring and I can do something great.

Reality

5.8.12

Today I spent many hours at the local library. I was captivated, for many reasons, by a large book. The first to catch my eye was the word Grace in the title. I’ve always been fascinated by grace, especially because it’s completely uncomprehend-able. Second, there was a black and white photo of an older woman on the cover. She looked much worn out, but her eyes held a story that I would be willing to listen to any day, and multiple times.

Upon opening this book, described what was to be entailed. The entire book was simple photographs of men, women, children, and family alike. However, these people were homeless (which always gets my emotions reeling, especially children). The book was simple. That’s all there was. About every 6-7 pages would be a few short sentences about the photographer’s encounter with the homeless person and perhaps a brief telling of their story. Each page, my heart was ripped by the person’s eyes I was forced to stare into. They held a story, and moments that I will never experience. Pain that is held back until they’re alone. Fears that I won’t be able to imagine. Such intensity within their soul held me yearning for more.

The most important part of this was the fact they were homeless. Not only without a sheltered place to call their own, but without friends and family to give them encouragement, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, or an ear to listen. The author informed the audience that the photographer and he had filled an entire studio with portraits of the homeless. And that the photographer had barely scraped the surface of homeless shelters, parks, and streets of the like. The amount of people hit me. I’ve always known in my mind how bad it was, I’ve been around homeless, given them food and clothing. But it hit me in the heart a different way this time. I saw the beauty in these people. I saw the potential that they have if their fate would have turned out differently. I saw how much faith and hope they must have to live day to day not knowing.
             I saw how God was using them. How they were speaking into my heart so readily when I haven’t even met them. How each time I do meet someone living on the streets, that they do change my heart. How each person that is consider “less fortunate” than me, gives me more than I could ever give them. I can give a sandwich, or a hug, or just listen; they give me hope and understanding, encouragement and joy. Nothing compares to those hours spent with people on the streets trusting God and sharing their faith with me.

              It also struck me how little words there were on the pages. How words were not needed. The only reason words were given was to clarify the reason of the photographs and to give the photographer his statement and a summary of his encounters. As an artist, this gave me encouragement. This book reminded me how art should be. It’s not meant to be pretty, or catch the audience off guard so they could have some deep revelation. Art is meant to be real. If it ends up being horrific, beautiful, unsettling, moves the audience to tears, so be it. But art is raw, and should remain as so. The artist should allow it to reflect what they feel, and let others be changed, and change the artist.

Moments

I wrote this (and many other incoherent words) hours after I found out that another friend of mine has been taken from this world.

Rest in peace Lacey, I love you.

4.23.12

So often we've all wanted to turn the hour glass upside down. Add just a few more grains of sand.

Or maybe just lay it on it's side, allowing time to stand where it is.

To watch the minute hand slowly decline in speed.

Until there is no movement upon that dreaded clock.

That's what I want more than anything.

I don't want to be aware that time is moving...I simply want it all to cease.

For it to stretch on and on. I want just a few more moments with you.

A night filled with our uncontrollable laughter. And a movie turned into a game of shots.

I want to see that amazing smile spread across your face like wild fire.

The glimmer in your eye so contagious I smile right back.

To hear your dreams and aspirations. To be there when you're sad, and listen to your story.

Making the ending a happily ever after.

Why have you gone? I wasn't ready for you to disappear.

This isn't how it's supposed to end.

Your life was no where near finished.

We still had plans to be executed, and more to make.

The tears hit my face when I realize you're truly gone.

The time should have continued ticking. Just more is all I ask for?

The darkness enveloped you in an instant and now it falls upon me.

Darkness fills my mind as I've got nowhere to turn.

Please oh clock, retrieve back to where you were just days ago.

When I could see you walking around. Bringing joy to so many.

To see the love overflowing from your life.

Independent and free.

I guess that's what you are now, free from this world, resting in peace.