It's over.

6.3.12

            I was tempted not to write these words. But I wish to be as truthful as I can. I deceive often but it should make what I’m about to say more real than ever if I write it. Set it in stone.
Today I said aloud to a friend what I think has been on my mind for a while. I told her “I broke up with God.”

It somehow hurts to say it. Like a piece of me has been removed. I have no idea what this looks like. But for a while now I have understood that believing in God is more than going to church. It’s more that singing and talking about who he is or what his son did. It’s more than all of that and so much more. It’s a relationship with him. It’s having that relationship with him that makes it personal and more real. But just like many relationships, things go wrong. People make mistakes, and I’ve made many. I have lost the trust that I use to have in him. I see my life, where it has gone, where it is, and that my future holds to much uncertainty that I’m not comfortable with. He made things good but my life has been made a mess with constant pain. Somewhere he forgot me. He let me go and put me in situations that have left me in distress and pain that seemed unbearable. So just like relationships that I’ve held on to, I found it time to end this. It’s weird because I haven’t stopped believing. I still think that there is this god that is out there. That made this beautiful world filling it with people. Saw that it turned around. That it went the wrong direction. So he sent his son, fulfilled his anger at the humans and had him crucified. I just don’t believe that god is with me. That he is filling my life for the better.

                I’ve responded in a way that I only know how to. I don’t know what else I can do but take control of my life. I choose to go out and smoke weed, have drinks at a party, and act however pleases me. The consequences are there. Most recently I’ve seen them. Lying down with a guy thinking it was okay. That it was alright to cuddle and not feel alone when I went to sleep. But as I’ve seen in the past, drunk guys act however they choose. If they want to sleep with you they’ll try and try. And I had to try my very best to hold off until he finally passed out so that I could roll away. It gave me a reason not to drink again. But my mind is shutting off. It’s like if I don’t think about it, then I can live on. There are moments when I break down. That all these memories flood back invading my mind. But then they are gone in a flash and I walk on. It is so odd how I really am pushing back these thoughts so I don’t even have to deal with my decisions.

                I’ve talked very briefly to a few of my Christian friends. I love them and see how good they are. I respect that they believe this all and witnessing god work in their life. I even envy what is happening in their life. But I feel so lonely. That no one is here to listen. My friends have gone and I’m left alone to deal with what is here. The mess I’ve been dealt with and choosing to ignore what is happening. They give me an answer that is ever so scripted. I’ll pray for you, and tell others to pray for you also. I’m sure that would have been my response if I still had my faith. I don’t though. So I’m choosing to walk on. Basically ignore what they are saying to me. It is my decision that I know of. This path will be different and I wouldn’t say that I’m excited. But I’ve always liked change. This is huge. I hope that I can find happiness hidden in the corners of this world. Find a patch just for me where joy will spring and I can do something great.