Epiphany

12.30.2012

You know when you have that “AH HAH!” moment? Where something so incredible becomes apparent to you? That the very thought of not realizing it seems to be unfathomable. I literally just had that, like seven minutes ago.

And it still gets me. My words are going to be a mess but I’m okay with that. I want the truth to be real, for it to be raw. So here it is. 

My pastor gave me a book to read about 2 days ago. I’ve been struggling deeply with my family. Our views don’t line up, and I’m entering the stage of adulthood where I leave the nest. Unfortunately, my controlling mother is extremely manipulative and things got out of hand this past week. I stayed with my best friend’s family to help alleviate the tension. After a blowout with my mother, my pastor gave me Gospel to help me stay in the word and direct me back the good news of God. Today I began reading it in hopes that it would help ease the tension. That I would become more knowledgeable in the true word of God. Which in turn, I could fix the relationship with my family. At least 3 hours prior to reading I was journaling about my fears. How I’m scared of a lot of things in this life. But analyzing the fear is strictly my human desire to fix things. And how I want my desire to be in Christ. How I want my relationship with God to be so deep, I won’t have to fear because my hope will be in Him. The glory of God will be so much more powerful and encompassing that it would eliminate my fear in anything.

So back to this book and how I really can’t stop thinking. How I can’t read on because of how moved I just was.

The author was trying to make clear the difference in religion and the gospel. How religion will not, in the end, give us what we need. How the gospel will, in the end, give us everything that we need. As I was reading, I kept thinking “How can I apply this to my family (my family is Catholic-works based denomination) and how can I give them the tools to fix their mindset” I just couldn’t get what I wanted out of reading. It was all very fascinating and so impacting in my knowledge. But my heart was not responding as it should to the wonderful news of my acceptance in Christ.

So I began to pray. I asked God that these words would impact me. That I would stop using this as a tool to change my family. To fix the broken relationship that we have.
Eventually I got to that point. I was reading, that the difference in religion and the Gospel is serving God to get something from him, and serving God to get more of God(<-- gospel) And then I read this bit, “True religion is when you serve God to get nothing else but more of God. Many people use religion as a way of getting something else from God they want – blessings, rewards, even escape from judgment. This is wearisome to us, and to God. But when God is His own reward, Christianity becomes thrilling. Sacrifice becomes joy.”

First thought: yeah, I realized that this summer. God doesn’t owe me anything, and I keep turning to him with a list I think I deserve. Check. But if my family could just….BAM. Then I realized I was just writing that in my journal. “If I could get closer to God, then he will fix my fear.” And so on.

I couldn’t read anymore. I knew the book probably went on in the rest of the paragraph with awesome words but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. My mind, that is usually racing from thought to thought, literally was silent. Hovering on that one thought. Then I was more amazed. More in awe. I actually had fear for what God was doing. How quickly I was convicted. Genuinely convicted, not the guilt we experience from our flesh. I was saddened by my own deception. But then I found how joyful I was. I was extremely thankful for God showing me this key thing. I was not asking for God to make me thirsty for Him so that I could experience Him more. I was not asking Him to deepen my relationship so that I would in turn, simply beg for more of God. Even as it was simple, I did thirst more of God. I did have this desire to know Him in a deeper way, but strictly to help myself.  Or to “fix” my family. I was amazed how blinded I was. 

This may or may not sound fascinating, but I’m amazed at how quickly I naturally went into a mode of wanting God so that he could help me. How selfish I was. And then seeing the truth in that God is my reward. That He is the greatest reward I could ever experience.
I’m excited for more of Him. This one “little” epiphany opened my eyes so much. Stirred my Spirit to yearn for more. That this is a simple realization and there is so much more ahead. That there will be many battles. Some that my flesh fights to win. And then like this moment, my spirit came alive and God gifted me with this conviction. And that my hope was rested in His power. Even though it’s terrifying to trust people. Scary to trust someone who isn’t standing before me, but not being able to resist. That I can trust Him. He who created me, the earth, the moon, the stars, the sky, and the sun. So much power and deliverance displayed before, it’s hard not to.

We Pulled the Trigger

12.15.12

       Father, I ask for forgiveness. I ask that the sin in my heart, and in others are washed away.
Have mercy.  

       Recent events leave us with so many questions. Ones that are not easy to answer. Some that may never be answered. We become filled with why’s and hatred.

It is nothing less than a tragedy to hear the news of the school shooting. To read the text on the television, or headlines of articles. I do not want to be comforted. I do not want to be told it is okay, and justice will see the day. I want to be reminded of the reason this is horrific. The reason that each day, we are falling away. To be reminded that we are all broken. That this man was not crazy. That he was probably hurt and angry. Seeking out love in all the wrong ways. That the sin in his heart drove him to see the world in a skewed kaleidoscope. The void that we all have, seeking, searching, satisfaction never found in things of the earth. Anger rests in my heart for there is no justice in this. That those beautiful children will not get the chance to celebrate Christmas. Or hug their parents upon arrival at home.

       But my anger is at the world. It is at myself. It is at sin. I too pulled the trigger. I too committed treason. I’m full of pride and believe I deserve things. I look at the world, demanding the things it owes me. I wish that it wasn’t true, but sin lies in my heart constantly. Which is why I am thankful for a righteous sovereign God. One that is loving when I’m not. One that looks at the world he created to be good and harmonious. But that is fallen. That is seeking such love and acceptance from him. But we got lost on the road, made a wrong turn. A God that views all sin the very same. My lack of grace for others, my decision to make poor choices, is exactly the same as the cheating husband, and the man who sheds blood. God looks at the sin and is repulsed. He cannot stand it. We do not deserve what we have. But we deserve punishment for the act of treason. So why does a God desire us? Why does he love this wretched people? A mystery that I myself get confused about. But what I can say is that His power and love is bigger than anything. That his Son, Jesus, lived a life we were meant to.

       A perfect life that was brutally killed. Smashed upon by the wrath of God meant for us. Every single one of our sins, yours, mine, our parents, our children, our friends, drove Him there. What more could you have asked for? How could you desire more than that display of love?

       I know this doesn’t answer questions, or communicated clearly all my thoughts. But I hope that it stirs a few more questions that can be answered with conversations. And questions that drive you to have a deeper understanding of the world around us. And that it allows us to feel forgiveness for the people held responsible for certain disasters. That we too are broken, that we too make mistakes(physically visible, and not) that are the same.

Thoughts

Morning study - it's pretty choppy for I was taking personal notes, but I feel inclined to share.
Ezekiel 2: 1-8
--The Lord spoke to Ezekiel. v. 2 The spirit lifts him. Ezekiel had not his own strength to be lifted to his feet to face God. He was not able to stand up and listen. The Spirit lives in us and is always guiding and helping us through this life.  In v. 3 “Son of man..” is a reminder that he is a son of man. Not the Son of Man as Jesus. But of man, of the flesh. God will use him as a prophet but he is still human and will be. God will use us, when we are ready. However, we are never fully ready; He is always working in us, changing us. But He teaches us to be obedient. To be ready to use, and God will. God will use us when we are least ready in our mind. He will use our “unpreparedness” to help us grow in our walk with him, and to use us to impact others. Learning to trust Him most.
--Ezekiel is sent to those who are stubborn. Those who do not want the word of God to show them their darkness. To show them the light, to help the broken, to aid their deceit and sin. Even if they don’t listen, they will know a prophet has been to their home. God will insure that it is known he is prophet. By the way God uses him, and reveals himself to others through Ezekiel. Ezekiel should not be afraid for God is with him. God will not leave him without thought or protection. He will stay close to him especially in times of those in the nations with the hatred of the scoffers. Do not be timid in your faith. Do not hold back words that God has given you. Be bold. Allow the gospel to speak for itself. God will use the words you speak and The Spirit will stir in others. Whether or not people listen, speak with effectiveness. Speak the truth and speak proudly. Boast in God and how good he is. Speak in the wondrous he performs. End of v. 8 Eat what I give you. Do not reject the word of God. Do not stray on the road of rebellion but listen to God. Be obedient and diligent in what you do.

An Experience

10.13.12

Something beautiful happened today.
I was working my desk job this morning when out of nowhere, God gave me the words to speak truth into my boss’s life. Not only is she my boss, but my aunt.

I don’t know how the conversation was started only that the words I spoke; I would not have been able to years back. Nor do I think that I can speak them now. What I understand it that God was using me in her life. Telling her to seek out God. And that he is pursuing her. When I finished talking, she simply said wow. In all my years of knowing you, watching you grow up, I have never heard you speak so quickly and speak so much about anything. My simple response is that I was passionate about it. And she replied with she could tell, but she doesn’t know if that will ever be her.

My aunt’s concept of God is lacking. She doesn’t fully understand, nor do I follow what her life journey has been filled with and how she views god. Through the foster care of IL I was raised by the same abusive mother as she. So I don’t know how she reacted to it. I don’t know what her response was. But I didn’t let that cloud my vision. I trusted that God would deliver her, and that he craved a relationship with my aunt even now. That she is older, but it is never too old or too young to start anew.

It was extremely empowering to watch. By watch, that’s how it felt. I was speaking about why I loved God. How he is so big and powerful. How the Gospel has transformed my entire life without me even realizing it. I spoke about how the Bible is this beautiful story. A story that gives hope to the broken, and the story of Jesus. And how he came to save us from death, to rescue us from our own destruction. I told her how amazed I am when I learn in my field of Chemistry about how molecules work, how small they all are. That I am amazed by it simply because I am manipulating them with heat and light, and other chemicals in the lab, but how I didn’t make them. Man will never make them. But God did. That he made these infinitely small molecules I learn about and try to understand. That he made every last atom we see and don’t see. The machine she uses at work to get sonograms of children, he made that technology and allowed man to discover it. All of these words left my mouth, but I felt outside of the situation. I felt as if I was sitting behind me, or from the other side of the office, simply watching it happen. I couldn’t slow down, and I couldn’t follow the words as they left my mouth. But they did. And it was amazing.

I was moved the entire day how God had moved in me. How God was moving in my aunt. I could see the desire in her eyes. Her interest peaked and that she really did like this new church she was going to. Once I left work, I noticed all the people walking down Main Street. The busy of their life consuming them. Swallowing them whole. But I also noticed a few people walking the trails. As I passed them in my car, I watched as they were stopped, taking pictures of the beautiful trees. Almost everyone cannot resist the autumn leaves. Their colours are so vibrant and so contrasting compared to the green grass and brown bark. But there was one woman who stood out to me. She was taking a picture of a tree also. But the two trees she was focused on had no leaves. There may have been a different reason why she was focused on them. But my exact thought process was this: she appreciated the branches without the leaves. She treasured them compared to all the trees that were full with colour and shining brightly. She found beauty in the barren.
Just as God does.

Simple Complexity

9.4.12

Simple words after my morning devotional.

God gave me needs. Ones that I am driven to self-fulfill.
God gave me free will. Which I take with greed.
I make choices I know are wrong. I allow sin to fill my heart, and deceit to cloud my mind.
But God is still good. He waits patiently for me. He is not weary as I am.
He is not angry with my rebellion.
God gives me love. Which I reject thinking I can find it elsewhere.
Again, he waits.
God gave me His Son. A beacon of light for my life hidden in the shadows.
That too, I run from. But God gives me Grace. And open arms.
Which eventually I run into with exhaust.
His embrace is full of mercy and encouragement.
His mighty power is great and His glory beautiful.
As a child filled with wonder, I tremble.
But with the gift of knowledge I thirst for more.

Unfinished

I found a torn piece of paper in my room. The following is the words that I scribbled and left to complete later, which I chose to let it be.

3.26.12

What if you stopped looking?

Deep down you know all the searching is going to turn up empty.

Overturning buckets, and digging through drawers.

Throwing out clothes and rustling about the papers.

You think eventually it will turn up.

Then time will cease and your life will be complete.

Mission fulfilled.

You're deceived.

Enclosed in a black box where life is comfortable--too comfortable.

You don't know the wrong you are immersed in, masked by right.

The Missing Link

7.23.12

I volunteer to devote time to an underprivileged child through the organization Big Brothers and Sisters. The main goal is to positively impact children in your area by spending time with them. We refer to the child as a “little”, and my child’s name is Diamond.

My “little” and I went to the public pool this afternoon. Once there, we settled in and had a wonderful time. I was trying to teach her how to swim a majority of the time. Once she got hungry we went into the locker room area to get my money. Like any other locker room there were lots of people. Women getting their family ready, trying to rinse off their little children, teenagers gossiping, the whole works. The public lockers require 50 cents to rent. As I was getting out my wallet, an older white woman seemed to be looking for something. Once I shut my locker and turned around, she had grabbed the arm of my little and raised her voice to say “Did you take it? My two quarters, where is it?” Diamond, who recently turned eight, looked confused. She just stared at the women. I kindly told the older woman “Sorry, we just walked in. We don’t have you money.” She glared at me, which I didn’t understand. I apologized again, took Diamond by the hand and left.

Diamond didn’t seem really phased by it. But it was nagging at me. There were many different women and children within the locker room itself. And when I walked out, I noticed the older woman’s possessions were across the room on another bench away from where we had been standing. So why did she have to accuse my eight year old “little” and then take out the rest of her resentment on me. I may be jumping to conclusions, but Diamond is of African descent and I myself am biracial. So out of all the other white people in the locker room, she came to the other side of the room and accused us.  This thought just kept lingering as I watched her exit the locker room.

I then began watching all the people at the public pool. A black family walked past to enter the slide area, and a hispanic family followed behind. I noticed how these two families didn’t know each other previously but began talking to one another. Noting how their children played together in the water, and that the young adults can get under their skin. They shook hands and bid adieu in hopes to meet again. I watched how two mothers gave disapproving looks to a very young (most likely between ages 18-21) mother playing with her child and taking pictures to remember the event at the pool. I loved to watch two particular people sitting adjacent to me. There was a bigger black woman and a very thin white female who I would describe as a tom boy. They laughed so carefree all the time. I noted that an unhealthy looking woman carrying a pack of cigarettes stood by the slides to get pictures of her children. And the people previously around that area quickly packed up their things and moved to a different table. Once Diamond and I finished eating and went back towards the pool area, I saw the accusing older woman again. She was with, what I assumed to be, her daughter and granddaughter. I waved friendly and she turned around and whispered to her daughter. Again I may be paranoid, but it actually did hurt. In the pool, I made note of how all the people interacted. The women that constantly kept track of when to turn on the tanning cycle. The rowdy boys playing football. The toddlers trying to swim, etc. All the people, the black and Hispanic family, and that one older woman.

Some people are easier at adjusting to others. They seem to be more open or friendlier. Others tend to shut out, and become extremely judgmental to strangers. I’m not saying I myself have never done both cases. It’s just that there is something missing in so many people. A loss connection that we all need. Just imagined if you took the love that you have for your family, and your very close mates, and thought of each person like that. The person in front of you in line, the slow car making you annoyed, the noisy children at the doctor’s office,  that coworker you can’t come to terms with, or the girl talking too loudly on her phone. All of those people, all of them, are more than people. Their life is eternal. A soul that should be treated as a cherished treasure. I’ve never understood discrimination or prejudices because of the way I was brought up, and I know that home life effects the way the mind perceives, but I myself don’t get them. But I have learned to think of others a different way. How special each person. How individual and unique they are. Made for some purpose in life. That each person has a special talent, ones that can be subtle, or obvious. I may never get to know what they are, but I’m sure they have them. Each person’s soul is a beautiful intricate life force that is going to live on forever. And sharing a smile with them, and showing a tender heart, and most importantly displaying love for them, how brilliant would that be? Just think of it.