Learning

7.?.12

 Being my introvert self, I sit in my room all day (not every day!) reading, thinking too much or painting,or some other odd form of art. But after all that, I produce the following nonsense:

I love to paint, sketch, and create things. I’ve become skillful at such tasks. At solving problems in my Chemistry courses. So as I sit on my computer typing away and listening to Explosions in the Sky; I can’t help but wonder who became so good at making music. Or so obsessed with technology to give me the opportunity to use such a device as this laptop.

Someone who is intelligent. Someone who is delicate. Someone. What I’ve began to notice (by notice I mean pay attention to this lingering thought arising from my subconscious) more and more is how I work and why. I’ve got this best friend, Victoria. She’s pretty awesome, don’t argue about that. Anyway, I would do anything for her. She loves me and I know that because of how she treats me. When I screw up, she calls me a dumb ass and gives me a hug. She understands that I messed up for my own selfish desires, but she still is my friend. She cares about me regardless of what I do.
While swinging with her one morning, she described being scared about her own friends discovering her mistakes. My response later at lunch was, “They’re not going to judge you. Or they shouldn’t if they love Christ. They’re going to have His love in their heart, and love you no matter what you say or do. Just like He loves us because of no reason besides that we are His.” She’s told me how much it’s impacted her recently. And I see that more and more. Like how she loves me regardless of what I do. That she loves those around her in her daily life. She has the love of Christ in her heart; so she loves me all the same.

So my thinking has broadened that point a little more. Back to my technology rant. I’m not imposing this belief on anyone, okay? If you disagree, click to a different post or a completely different website. But when I look at my surroundings I’m amazed in an artistic point of view of the beauty that surrounds me. How the sun sets and rises, how the stars twinkle and form shapes in the deep black, blue and purple tinted sky. That a certain vine wraps around a tree trunk so delicately. That the rain falls from the sky leaving an amazing aroma and atmosphere tints the grass and trees. My love for science makes me think of how the molecules that make up the rain have certain properties that react. That water isn’t combustible at room temperature. That the stars above me are shining light on the earth that is thousands of years old, and even our Sun’s light is eight seconds old. That if the Earth was any closer or further away in its gravitational rotation, we could burn up, or freeze. That when I look at my paint, I’m curious about how all the atoms are pushing and pulling just enough to stay bonded. I’m simply amazed at the intricate design of everything. And that, I could never actually create any of it.

But what we have created, computers, cell phones, paintings is based on an intelligence given to us. That a higher power, one that is good, gave us the ability to create such things. That as a Christian, Christ is living in us. Not impersonating, but allowing our lives to be changed because he is guiding us. How did you learn to ride your bike? I taught my sisters last summer. I held them firmly and began to rotate their pedals by hand. Let them understand the movement their legs must do. Even while they pedaled, I was pushing on their back making the bike go forward. I straightened their arms and guiding the handle bars. My sisters didn’t mock riding their bike. They allowed me to guide them. Hold on to them firmly.
Then. I. Let. Go. Yes, of course they fell. Hard. So I picked them back up and held on a little longer to the bike. Eventually they learned, and now they ride along just fine. Without my previously held knowledge about bike riding, would they have learned? Most likely, no. Silly analogy, but I think it does some justice. It helps me understand that I’m being guided by a higher authority(which I reject so often). Someone wiser leads me along a path. I’m learning from God. Slowly but surely. Then he lets go and I take my free will and run rampid. Then I stumble and fall. Stubborn and pride-filled, I refuse help. Once I come around, my body begins to heal itself; and repair the damage to my emotions and mind. Why? Christ did. He suffered and was filled with pain only to rise up. So he is doing the same to me.

I’ve thought of many ways to end this post. However, my mind can’t seem to wrap it up. Closure is not flooding me like it usually does. The only reason I can think of is that I’m not done with this lingering feeling. I can’t end this post because it’s only beginning.  I’m still running with this idea. Exploring, and allowing it to fill me up. Fill me with hope for a future where I’m in debt to a savior. Hope that I don’t have to try hard for acceptance. Hope that when I fall, I’ve got help to get back up. Hope that I want happiness and everyone else in the world is seeking it too. So loving on them is bringing them a fleeting moment of happiness. And that showing them a gentle heart and love will be simple once I grasp the concept that I’ve been given the gift of love is joyful. Even though it’s hard, when I fill my vision with the right thing, of Christ, He is going to change me. Fill me with Him, and I’ll learn to love others. Christ offers everything for the price of nothing. And that fills me hope.