Epiphany

12.30.2012

You know when you have that “AH HAH!” moment? Where something so incredible becomes apparent to you? That the very thought of not realizing it seems to be unfathomable. I literally just had that, like seven minutes ago.

And it still gets me. My words are going to be a mess but I’m okay with that. I want the truth to be real, for it to be raw. So here it is. 

My pastor gave me a book to read about 2 days ago. I’ve been struggling deeply with my family. Our views don’t line up, and I’m entering the stage of adulthood where I leave the nest. Unfortunately, my controlling mother is extremely manipulative and things got out of hand this past week. I stayed with my best friend’s family to help alleviate the tension. After a blowout with my mother, my pastor gave me Gospel to help me stay in the word and direct me back the good news of God. Today I began reading it in hopes that it would help ease the tension. That I would become more knowledgeable in the true word of God. Which in turn, I could fix the relationship with my family. At least 3 hours prior to reading I was journaling about my fears. How I’m scared of a lot of things in this life. But analyzing the fear is strictly my human desire to fix things. And how I want my desire to be in Christ. How I want my relationship with God to be so deep, I won’t have to fear because my hope will be in Him. The glory of God will be so much more powerful and encompassing that it would eliminate my fear in anything.

So back to this book and how I really can’t stop thinking. How I can’t read on because of how moved I just was.

The author was trying to make clear the difference in religion and the gospel. How religion will not, in the end, give us what we need. How the gospel will, in the end, give us everything that we need. As I was reading, I kept thinking “How can I apply this to my family (my family is Catholic-works based denomination) and how can I give them the tools to fix their mindset” I just couldn’t get what I wanted out of reading. It was all very fascinating and so impacting in my knowledge. But my heart was not responding as it should to the wonderful news of my acceptance in Christ.

So I began to pray. I asked God that these words would impact me. That I would stop using this as a tool to change my family. To fix the broken relationship that we have.
Eventually I got to that point. I was reading, that the difference in religion and the Gospel is serving God to get something from him, and serving God to get more of God(<-- gospel) And then I read this bit, “True religion is when you serve God to get nothing else but more of God. Many people use religion as a way of getting something else from God they want – blessings, rewards, even escape from judgment. This is wearisome to us, and to God. But when God is His own reward, Christianity becomes thrilling. Sacrifice becomes joy.”

First thought: yeah, I realized that this summer. God doesn’t owe me anything, and I keep turning to him with a list I think I deserve. Check. But if my family could just….BAM. Then I realized I was just writing that in my journal. “If I could get closer to God, then he will fix my fear.” And so on.

I couldn’t read anymore. I knew the book probably went on in the rest of the paragraph with awesome words but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. My mind, that is usually racing from thought to thought, literally was silent. Hovering on that one thought. Then I was more amazed. More in awe. I actually had fear for what God was doing. How quickly I was convicted. Genuinely convicted, not the guilt we experience from our flesh. I was saddened by my own deception. But then I found how joyful I was. I was extremely thankful for God showing me this key thing. I was not asking for God to make me thirsty for Him so that I could experience Him more. I was not asking Him to deepen my relationship so that I would in turn, simply beg for more of God. Even as it was simple, I did thirst more of God. I did have this desire to know Him in a deeper way, but strictly to help myself.  Or to “fix” my family. I was amazed how blinded I was. 

This may or may not sound fascinating, but I’m amazed at how quickly I naturally went into a mode of wanting God so that he could help me. How selfish I was. And then seeing the truth in that God is my reward. That He is the greatest reward I could ever experience.
I’m excited for more of Him. This one “little” epiphany opened my eyes so much. Stirred my Spirit to yearn for more. That this is a simple realization and there is so much more ahead. That there will be many battles. Some that my flesh fights to win. And then like this moment, my spirit came alive and God gifted me with this conviction. And that my hope was rested in His power. Even though it’s terrifying to trust people. Scary to trust someone who isn’t standing before me, but not being able to resist. That I can trust Him. He who created me, the earth, the moon, the stars, the sky, and the sun. So much power and deliverance displayed before, it’s hard not to.